The trail the Queen continued on was quiet. She had time to think and prepare for her trial with the Powers That Be. It was growing colder in the forest and the Queen's cloak was barely keeping her warm at night as she would lay before the fire. One particularly cold night the trees began to taunt her again with her old memories. The Queen pulled her cloak tightly around her covering her ears. She hummed the beautiful song from the box and moved closer to the fire.
She stared into the flames and imagined images in them. She was cold, but her eyelids felt heavy. She curled up on the ground as close to the fire as she dared and fell into a dreamless sleep. A deep cold settled into the forest and silenced the trees and the creatures within the woods. The Queen's fire slowly died. She unconsciously wrapped the cloak around her tighter. The night kept getting colder. The Queen slowly started to wake when she felt a sudden warmth engulf her. Something touched her cheek and she relaxed into the warmth of a long sleep.
The Queen woke in the bright morning. She had not slept so well in such a long time. For the first time in years the Queen smiled at the sunrise. She looked up at the canopy of branches above her. She listened to the birds sing. The Queen moved to stretch and realized she was covered by something other than her own cloak. She was covered by a man's cape. It was thick and elegantly made. It was dark blue made of the softest fabric she had ever felt. It was embroidered around the edges in silver in unique patterns. Sitting at her feet was a leather back pack. When she opened it she found food, water, a map, and a compass. The Queen was baffled. There was no sign of human activity around her. No foot prints, disturbed leaves, nothing. She spoke into the woods, but only the birds returned her call. She quietly said thank you to no one or at least what she thought was no one. She packed up her things and the gifts and continued on her way.
As the Queen walked a long her trail she recited and recalled everything she could possibly remember about what she would need to know for her trial. She was so focused on her recall it took her sometime to notice what was moving in the forest along with her. The glint coming from the shadows caught her eye. She peered through the trees to look at what was walking along with her. It seemed no matter which way she moved the glowing thing never truly revealed itself. She could not get a clear look at whatever it was. "Hello." She spoke into the woods. A whisper of a male voice responded in kind. "Why are you following me?" she asked. "You looked lonely I thought you could use the company," the whisper replied. "My path is a solitary one, that is the way it is designed," she replied. "Still I will walk along with you," he responded. "Step out to the trail. I cannot see you clearly," she instructed. "I am sorry, my Lady, I cannot do that," he replied. "Why not? What are you?" she asked. "Those are questions I cannot answer right now. Please allow me to walk along with you at a distance my Lady," he begged. "If you wish," she responded,"It will be a quiet walk. I have a task before me and I must concentrate."
"What is the task Lady?"
"I must see the Powers That Be and earn the opportunity to reconstruct my kingdom and restore it to peace."
"And how will you do that?"
"Through a test. I will be questioned by a series of inquisitors about my knowledge and skills."
"What knowledge? What skills?"
"My knowledge of leadership and my skill to be one. My knowledge of education and my skill to teach. My knowledge of law and my skill to enforce it. My knowledge of what is needed to help my people and my skills to help."
"That is a challenging task. I have faith you will be rewarded your kingdom."
"I am flattered by your confidence in me, but do you not feel you should know a person for than a brief conversation before you make such a conviction?"
"No. I know you Lady."
The Queen laughed. "How is that possible? We have only just met! I cannot even see you!"
"That does not matter. Because we have never spoken, my Lady, does not mean I do not know you. I have known you for sometime."
"How? I do not know you."
"You will."
"You are strange. What is it that you do that allows you to know who I am?"
"What I do has nothing to do with me knowing you Lady."
"What is it that you do, aside from requesting to walk along with complete strangers, refusing to show yourself, claiming you know the stranger?"
The male voice chuckled softly. "I do many things Lady. I am a teacher, I am a philosopher of religion, I am a writer, I am a soldier."
The Queen stopped and looked in his direction. "To complete your renaissance I don't suppose you are a musician and an artist as well?"
The glint of him glittered. She took this as him smiling. "An artist, no Lady. I have knowledge of art. A musician, yes."
"If you are so educated and involved in so many pursuits what are you doing in this wood, along my path?"
"I was lead here through my pursuits."
"To the middle of a dense wood that has countless paths?"
"Yes Lady"
"Do you not have obligations to your pursuits? You said you are a teacher and a solider. Those occupations require commitments, to your students, to your sovereign Lord."
"My students have instructors aplenty. And I serve no king, but God. My kingdom is my own."
"You are a prince?"
"A king, Lady."
The Queen stopped and looked in his direction, "You are not like any king I have ever met."
"I have never met a queen without a castle and land," he replied.
The Queen turned back to her path and continued on in silence. "I was young. I made a mistake," she confessed after sometime. She set her eyes firmly on the ground and continued walking.
"Excuse me Lady?" the male voice responded.
"I said I made a mistake."
"We all do Lady."
"Not everyone makes a mistake large enough to compromise their entire kingdom and as a result their own sanity."
"What happened?"
"I trusted some people I should not have. I put my faith in an unfaithful man. I gave up who I was for the peace of my kingdom. I was locked away for years, until I summoned the courage to fight back. As a result of my years of cowardice and my reluctance to fight I lost my kingdom. I put my life in danger and the lives of my people. I committed unforgivable sins. For that I must see the Powers That Be to slowly redeem myself."
"I will help you along the way," the male voice responded.
"Why? You are not going to ask what I have done?"
"No. You will tell me in time."
"Why are you so willing to help me?"
"I have told you already. I know you Lady."
The Queen stopped and looked in the direction of the glint. She still could not see him clearly. "How is that possible? I do not know you! I cannot even see you clearly!"
"In time dear Queen, in time! You must continue on your path. I must leave you briefly but will return."
"Wait! I do not even know your name!" she called after him but it was too late, he had already left. The Queen stood there confused and for some reason very alone.
Flustered the Queen returned to her journey. The rest of the way was going to be steep, rocky, and cold. The Queen continually talked to herself. Going through her lessons over and over. Each day the journey became more challenging. At night she was exhausted. She would sleep deep and dreamless. But each night she was softly kissed on the cheek, and protected from the trees and frogs. Her supplies were always refreshed and her fire always burning. The Queen never questioned these blessings, but she was always grateful for them. One particularly arduous day the glinting male voice returned. Pleasantly surprised the Queen smiled and welcomed the distraction. The glint refused to give any details about himself. He was still visually unclear to her. He was always witty and charming. He was distracting. She learned from him, shared with him. She grew to depend on his company. When he left she would feel empty and alone. She would always ask where he would go and he would return with the simple answer that he could not tell her.
On the days he would leave she found the days longer, the nights colder, and an ever growing reluctance to focus on the task ahead of her. On the last night of her journey the Queen had a dream. A man with dark hair and hazel eyes came to her, that was all she could see clearly. He wrapped her in his arms and kissed her. "I love you, Motek," he whispered "You will pass tomorrow and your kingdom will be restored." And with that he left. The Queen awoke peaceful, happy, and ready to face the inquisitors.
To be continued...
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Monday, October 17, 2011
A Fairy Tale Part II:
Sometimes in life you have to take a chance to over come your past. She understood the rough frog's hesitations, but she had been there. She did not take a risk when her life's path had placed it in front of her and because of it she suffered. In some cases a person has to do and go with what they feel and know is right even if it doesn't make any sense. The Queen wandered for some time along the trial with the rough smiling frog. She grew weary of his so pace and lond periods of cryptic silence. Without saying farewell the Queen continued on at her own pace. One day she hoped the wise little frog would find his pace and the match to his stone.
The frogs continued to follow the Queen along her path. She weary of their noise. Some nipped at her, others tugged at her skirts. Finally the cacophoney of noise and annoyance grew so loud she snatched up her stone and burried it deep in her bodice next to her heart. She picked up her skirt and ran as fast as she could away from her trail and the frogs that covered it. She ran until her lungs felt like fire, until her legs could no longer hold her up.
She collapsed in a clearing with soft grass surrounded by aspen trees. She landed face down and began to cry. The noise had stopped. There were no frogs around. The scent of rich earth and live grass filled her nostrils. She dug her fingers into the soft soil and sobbed. Every mistake she had ever made replayed in her head. She could her the woods whisper her failures, taunt her, throw slurs at her. She screamed into the ground and continued to cry until she exhausted herself and fell asleep.
The sleep she drifted into was not settling and restful. She rolled on to her back and soon she felt something on her breast. She opened her eyes to see the wise rough frog smiling at her, his front leg firmly pressed on the stone hidden in her bodice. It dug into her flesh. She suppressed the urge to wince. She felt a nip at her left hand. She looked down to see the leggy frog biting her. She was hurting but couldn't move to do anything about it. She heard rustling above her head. She looked up and there was the dancing frog twirling around her head. A gleam caught the corner of her eye. On a stone to the right sat the little diamond frog looking sombre, watching the madness. Around her feet the three camoflauge frogs hopped and tugged at her skirts. The forest continued to taunt her.
The frog on her breast pressed the stone deeper into her flesh. The noise of the forest and the frogs became deafening. She finally released from the immovable spell and sat up violently. She looked around, all the frogs were gone and the forest was silent. Before her sat a knight with all his armour. Emblazoned on his chest was an Eagle. He was not an overly handsome knight, but he had a friendly face. At once the Queen felt safe. She felt like she had known the knight for almost all her life. He looked at her in a knowing and brotherly way. On a rock beside him sat a beautifully crafted wooden box. He motioned for her to come forward. She cautiously arose and moved toward him without removing her eyes from the box.
The knight reached into her bodice and removed the stone she had hidden there. It pained her and she flinched. She had hoped the injury had been an illusion like the frogs, but when she looked down she could see dark rich blood and the skin beginning to bruise. The knight placed the stone in the key hole of the box. Her stone was only half the key. The could hear the beautiful song that played within the box, "who will love me for me..." She tried to peek in but she could see nothing. The Queen touched the box and the word "Jericho" appeared. She looked quizzically at the knight. He placed his hand on her heart. "Only your other half can unlock it." He handed her back her stone with its string and he looked her straight in the eye, "You have a task to complete, focus only on that." He hugged her close and lead her back to her trail. This time there were no frogs on her trail. The Queen looked at the knight. He hugged her again and sent her on her way.
The frogs continued to follow the Queen along her path. She weary of their noise. Some nipped at her, others tugged at her skirts. Finally the cacophoney of noise and annoyance grew so loud she snatched up her stone and burried it deep in her bodice next to her heart. She picked up her skirt and ran as fast as she could away from her trail and the frogs that covered it. She ran until her lungs felt like fire, until her legs could no longer hold her up.
She collapsed in a clearing with soft grass surrounded by aspen trees. She landed face down and began to cry. The noise had stopped. There were no frogs around. The scent of rich earth and live grass filled her nostrils. She dug her fingers into the soft soil and sobbed. Every mistake she had ever made replayed in her head. She could her the woods whisper her failures, taunt her, throw slurs at her. She screamed into the ground and continued to cry until she exhausted herself and fell asleep.
The sleep she drifted into was not settling and restful. She rolled on to her back and soon she felt something on her breast. She opened her eyes to see the wise rough frog smiling at her, his front leg firmly pressed on the stone hidden in her bodice. It dug into her flesh. She suppressed the urge to wince. She felt a nip at her left hand. She looked down to see the leggy frog biting her. She was hurting but couldn't move to do anything about it. She heard rustling above her head. She looked up and there was the dancing frog twirling around her head. A gleam caught the corner of her eye. On a stone to the right sat the little diamond frog looking sombre, watching the madness. Around her feet the three camoflauge frogs hopped and tugged at her skirts. The forest continued to taunt her.
The frog on her breast pressed the stone deeper into her flesh. The noise of the forest and the frogs became deafening. She finally released from the immovable spell and sat up violently. She looked around, all the frogs were gone and the forest was silent. Before her sat a knight with all his armour. Emblazoned on his chest was an Eagle. He was not an overly handsome knight, but he had a friendly face. At once the Queen felt safe. She felt like she had known the knight for almost all her life. He looked at her in a knowing and brotherly way. On a rock beside him sat a beautifully crafted wooden box. He motioned for her to come forward. She cautiously arose and moved toward him without removing her eyes from the box.
The knight reached into her bodice and removed the stone she had hidden there. It pained her and she flinched. She had hoped the injury had been an illusion like the frogs, but when she looked down she could see dark rich blood and the skin beginning to bruise. The knight placed the stone in the key hole of the box. Her stone was only half the key. The could hear the beautiful song that played within the box, "who will love me for me..." She tried to peek in but she could see nothing. The Queen touched the box and the word "Jericho" appeared. She looked quizzically at the knight. He placed his hand on her heart. "Only your other half can unlock it." He handed her back her stone with its string and he looked her straight in the eye, "You have a task to complete, focus only on that." He hugged her close and lead her back to her trail. This time there were no frogs on her trail. The Queen looked at the knight. He hugged her again and sent her on her way.
Monday, September 26, 2011
A Fairy Tale
Once upon a time there was a fairy...Queen, who recently lost her King (who incidentally was the court jester in disguise). For years her kingdom was in upheaval. War and sadness plagued her people, and plagued her. So the Queen went to war. She fought valiantly, losing only one battle, but regained her people's peace and freedom in the end. Unfortunately, her capitol city was destroyed and the Queen took her people went in search of a new castle, in a new land. Pillaging, illness, and famine left the Queen and her people poor and dependent on the kindness of an old Knight and his Lady. The Queen was asked to tithe to the Knight and his Lady while helping maintain their land, in exchange for housing her and her people.
After months of waiting and working the good Queen was finally able to appeal to The Powers That Be, to allow her the chance to be granted a new throne. They sent her a message: "You must prove your worthiness in a trial of knowledge." When the Queen received the message she had a wiseman set the day for the trial and she set off, only telling the Knight's Lady where she was going.
Just a short way away from the Knight's land there was a large dark forest. It was full of dangerous creatures and twisting and winding trails that had no end other than despairr, loneliness, and death. Fortunately, the Queen was confident and knew which trail she needed to take. The Queen strode bravely into the forest. She could feel the trees watching her, judging her, waiting to trip her. She could hear the dangerous creatures follow her, smell her, and leer at her.
A short way into her journey the Queen came upon a dancing frog. He seemed like a nice frog, a quiet frog. She watched the frog dance, and was pulled into his dance. She was mesmerized. He pulled her into his dance. He whirled her and twirled her through the forest, far from the trail. During a break in the dance the Queen regained her senses enough to know she was far from where she should be, and while she was not focused on her steps the frog twirled her and the Queen slipped. She fell hard and injured her leg. The frog left her crying for help in the wood.
The Queen nursed her injured leg, still crying. She could hear the dangerous creatures circle around her. She looked up from her tear stained skirt to see another tiny frog that shone like a diamond. The sight of him made her face illuminate with a smile and she laughed. The little diamond frog motioned for her to follow. She got up and followed slowly. She had wandered far from the trail. While she walked and followed the diamond frog entertained her. He took care to find her food and shelter. He protected her. When the Queen reached the trail she was saddened that she had nothing to give the frog for his kindness. He told her he only required a kiss. The Queen smiled and picked him up and kissed him. He was sweet, but when the Queen set him back down he was still the tiny diamond frog. They sighed and promised to be friends forever. The Queen continued on.
For days she travelled through the woods until she came upon a rushing river. The Queen folded her arms and began to think of ways to get across the river. She could not swim it with her skirts on, she would drown. She would not subject herself to the indecency of removing her clothing to swim. So she walked the bank until she came upon three camouflaged frogs. They offered to help her across the river in exchange for a kiss each. The first frog, a young skinny thing, lead her to a stone path she hopped along to get a third of the way across. She kissed him shook her head and turned to the second frog. He was bigger and had a wicked gleam in his eye. The Queen knew he was up to no good. He quickly, without waiting, showed her how to cross a slippery log that rolled. The Queen slipped and scrambled. She scrapped her hands and knees and almost fell in. Dirty and hurt she reached the end of the log, kissed the slimy creature and resisted throwing him into the river. She turned to the third frog who looked at her curiously. He grabbed the hem of her dirty gown and lead her to a rickety bridge above a high gorge. The Queen swallowed hard and picked up the frog and stepped out on to the bridge. It shook and swayed. The little frog whispered encouraging words to her. When they reached the end both were soaked with a spray of water. The Queen laughed and kissed the brave little frog. He smiled at her and they each went on their way.
The Queen wondered on for sometime alone. On night she came upon a cabin in the woods. It was beautiful. In the yard was a woodsman splitting logs. She asked if she might have a room for the night in exchange for help with some chores. The woodsman laughed. He told her there was no need for her service, she was welcome to stay with him, his wife, her two sisters, and their son. He brought the Queen into the house and the three women flew to take care of her. They fussed over her. They were honored she had come to their house. They had heard of her struggles in the War. They respected her bravery and welcomed her into their circle. The Queen asked who they were. They were the Healers. People came from far and wide to be healed by their knowledge and magic. The Queen was tired and needed rest they said, so she stayed with them for several days. She looked after the baby and learned their healing ways. Soon the Queen knew she needed to move on. The sisters cried the day the Queen left. The Queen promised they had become her sisters too and that they would see each other again. Before she left, the youngest two brought a challenge to her. She was to promise to find a new King for her kingdom. The Queen cried. She could not do it. The forest ahead was dark and full of peril they reminded her. "You need a Knight!" The Queen insisted she was brave enough to face the danger. "You need a guide!" The Queen insisted she knew where she was going. "You at least need a servant" The Queen insisted she could take care of herself. The sisters knew they would get no where with the Queen, so they gave her a magical stone. They told her the stone was the missing half of her mate's. The Queen looked skeptically at the piece of stone. The Queen asked how was she supposed to use the piece of stone to find its match. "Go Fishing!!" They said. They tied the stone to the Queen's belt loop and let it dangle at the edge of her skirt. They told her to leave it as she walked and see what she caught. The Queen smiled, hugged her sisters, shrugged her shoulders, shook her head, and headed down the trail.
It wasn't long before the Queen felt a tug on her belt loop. When she looked down, she saw a leggy frog had swallowed the stone. The Queen caught her breath and laughed. "Poor thing!" She cried. She lifted the leggy frog and removed the stone from his mouth. He made a disgruntled face which made the Queen laugh even more and she kissed him. The frog sighed a happy sigh and went limp in her hand. She scratched his belly and set him down on the stone. She liked him. She looked for a stone on him but he had none. He gave her a frustrated sigh and jumped off into the woods. The Queen looked on curiously after him wondering why he left. The Queen turned back to the trail and carried on perplexed.
For days the stone around her hem was a constant source of distraction for her. Several times she had to shake hideous frogs of the string or the stone. She on occasion took it upon herself to go fishing and cast her stone at some brightly colored frogs with no luck. As she was peaking the top of a mountain where she could see her path to The Powers That Be, she sat on a boulder to look at the trail she had walked, the kingdom she had lost, and the trail she must continue on. It was then that she noticed a rough looking frog sitting next to her. He was a curious thing. He had faded camouflage coloring, a rough face with dimples. He smile at her and she smiled back. She wondered if she should try to cast her stone had him. He spoke. "No need! I will walk with you!" The Queen was taken aback! The frog had sparked an insatiable sense of curiosity in her. He told her he was walking toward the same place she was, but because he was a frog he was moving at a slower pace for fear of injury. The Queen motioned for him to lead on. As they walked they talked. The hours passed easily and lightly. The Queen kept her eye on the frog. He leaped steadily next to her not once tempted to leap for her stone. She asked him why he was so willing to walk with her and not at all try for her stone. He said his stone was precious and had been broken. He wasn't going to jump for any stone until he had thoroughly examed it and its owner. He had been reckless with his in the past and was not willing to show it until he had settled the score with The Powers That Be. The Queen nodded. She understood his reasoning and saw his logic. He was a wise frog. But the Queen had known what it was like to let opportunity pass her by and now that she knew what she wanted she was determined to get it. She understood settling with The Powers That Be, but she also understood chance. She wondered if it was worth it...
TO BE CONTINUED.
After months of waiting and working the good Queen was finally able to appeal to The Powers That Be, to allow her the chance to be granted a new throne. They sent her a message: "You must prove your worthiness in a trial of knowledge." When the Queen received the message she had a wiseman set the day for the trial and she set off, only telling the Knight's Lady where she was going.
Just a short way away from the Knight's land there was a large dark forest. It was full of dangerous creatures and twisting and winding trails that had no end other than despairr, loneliness, and death. Fortunately, the Queen was confident and knew which trail she needed to take. The Queen strode bravely into the forest. She could feel the trees watching her, judging her, waiting to trip her. She could hear the dangerous creatures follow her, smell her, and leer at her.
A short way into her journey the Queen came upon a dancing frog. He seemed like a nice frog, a quiet frog. She watched the frog dance, and was pulled into his dance. She was mesmerized. He pulled her into his dance. He whirled her and twirled her through the forest, far from the trail. During a break in the dance the Queen regained her senses enough to know she was far from where she should be, and while she was not focused on her steps the frog twirled her and the Queen slipped. She fell hard and injured her leg. The frog left her crying for help in the wood.
The Queen nursed her injured leg, still crying. She could hear the dangerous creatures circle around her. She looked up from her tear stained skirt to see another tiny frog that shone like a diamond. The sight of him made her face illuminate with a smile and she laughed. The little diamond frog motioned for her to follow. She got up and followed slowly. She had wandered far from the trail. While she walked and followed the diamond frog entertained her. He took care to find her food and shelter. He protected her. When the Queen reached the trail she was saddened that she had nothing to give the frog for his kindness. He told her he only required a kiss. The Queen smiled and picked him up and kissed him. He was sweet, but when the Queen set him back down he was still the tiny diamond frog. They sighed and promised to be friends forever. The Queen continued on.
For days she travelled through the woods until she came upon a rushing river. The Queen folded her arms and began to think of ways to get across the river. She could not swim it with her skirts on, she would drown. She would not subject herself to the indecency of removing her clothing to swim. So she walked the bank until she came upon three camouflaged frogs. They offered to help her across the river in exchange for a kiss each. The first frog, a young skinny thing, lead her to a stone path she hopped along to get a third of the way across. She kissed him shook her head and turned to the second frog. He was bigger and had a wicked gleam in his eye. The Queen knew he was up to no good. He quickly, without waiting, showed her how to cross a slippery log that rolled. The Queen slipped and scrambled. She scrapped her hands and knees and almost fell in. Dirty and hurt she reached the end of the log, kissed the slimy creature and resisted throwing him into the river. She turned to the third frog who looked at her curiously. He grabbed the hem of her dirty gown and lead her to a rickety bridge above a high gorge. The Queen swallowed hard and picked up the frog and stepped out on to the bridge. It shook and swayed. The little frog whispered encouraging words to her. When they reached the end both were soaked with a spray of water. The Queen laughed and kissed the brave little frog. He smiled at her and they each went on their way.
The Queen wondered on for sometime alone. On night she came upon a cabin in the woods. It was beautiful. In the yard was a woodsman splitting logs. She asked if she might have a room for the night in exchange for help with some chores. The woodsman laughed. He told her there was no need for her service, she was welcome to stay with him, his wife, her two sisters, and their son. He brought the Queen into the house and the three women flew to take care of her. They fussed over her. They were honored she had come to their house. They had heard of her struggles in the War. They respected her bravery and welcomed her into their circle. The Queen asked who they were. They were the Healers. People came from far and wide to be healed by their knowledge and magic. The Queen was tired and needed rest they said, so she stayed with them for several days. She looked after the baby and learned their healing ways. Soon the Queen knew she needed to move on. The sisters cried the day the Queen left. The Queen promised they had become her sisters too and that they would see each other again. Before she left, the youngest two brought a challenge to her. She was to promise to find a new King for her kingdom. The Queen cried. She could not do it. The forest ahead was dark and full of peril they reminded her. "You need a Knight!" The Queen insisted she was brave enough to face the danger. "You need a guide!" The Queen insisted she knew where she was going. "You at least need a servant" The Queen insisted she could take care of herself. The sisters knew they would get no where with the Queen, so they gave her a magical stone. They told her the stone was the missing half of her mate's. The Queen looked skeptically at the piece of stone. The Queen asked how was she supposed to use the piece of stone to find its match. "Go Fishing!!" They said. They tied the stone to the Queen's belt loop and let it dangle at the edge of her skirt. They told her to leave it as she walked and see what she caught. The Queen smiled, hugged her sisters, shrugged her shoulders, shook her head, and headed down the trail.
It wasn't long before the Queen felt a tug on her belt loop. When she looked down, she saw a leggy frog had swallowed the stone. The Queen caught her breath and laughed. "Poor thing!" She cried. She lifted the leggy frog and removed the stone from his mouth. He made a disgruntled face which made the Queen laugh even more and she kissed him. The frog sighed a happy sigh and went limp in her hand. She scratched his belly and set him down on the stone. She liked him. She looked for a stone on him but he had none. He gave her a frustrated sigh and jumped off into the woods. The Queen looked on curiously after him wondering why he left. The Queen turned back to the trail and carried on perplexed.
For days the stone around her hem was a constant source of distraction for her. Several times she had to shake hideous frogs of the string or the stone. She on occasion took it upon herself to go fishing and cast her stone at some brightly colored frogs with no luck. As she was peaking the top of a mountain where she could see her path to The Powers That Be, she sat on a boulder to look at the trail she had walked, the kingdom she had lost, and the trail she must continue on. It was then that she noticed a rough looking frog sitting next to her. He was a curious thing. He had faded camouflage coloring, a rough face with dimples. He smile at her and she smiled back. She wondered if she should try to cast her stone had him. He spoke. "No need! I will walk with you!" The Queen was taken aback! The frog had sparked an insatiable sense of curiosity in her. He told her he was walking toward the same place she was, but because he was a frog he was moving at a slower pace for fear of injury. The Queen motioned for him to lead on. As they walked they talked. The hours passed easily and lightly. The Queen kept her eye on the frog. He leaped steadily next to her not once tempted to leap for her stone. She asked him why he was so willing to walk with her and not at all try for her stone. He said his stone was precious and had been broken. He wasn't going to jump for any stone until he had thoroughly examed it and its owner. He had been reckless with his in the past and was not willing to show it until he had settled the score with The Powers That Be. The Queen nodded. She understood his reasoning and saw his logic. He was a wise frog. But the Queen had known what it was like to let opportunity pass her by and now that she knew what she wanted she was determined to get it. She understood settling with The Powers That Be, but she also understood chance. She wondered if it was worth it...
TO BE CONTINUED.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
What This Woman Wants
I think at the age of 28 I am finally able to articulate what I want in a mate. I am no longer blinded by the unrealities of love and relationships. When I was younger I always imagined being apart of some epic romantic love story. What girl didn't? For a time I always hoped my marriage would turn into this story of struggle finding hope and peace. I now realize that was unrealistic of me and only caused me great disappointment. I am no longer naive enough to believe I will have the epic romance of Elizabeth Bennett and Fitzwilliam Darcy, but I am going to do my best to come close to it.
In the past few months a lot of my family and friends have felt the need to weigh in on what they think I need and deserve (thank you to you all) in a future mate. I have been told multiple times I need to find a man that worships the ground I walk on and treats me like a queen. I have been told I need someone I respect and who can keep me in line. Someone strong and emotionally sensitive. While all these things are great, they are all akin to a double edge sword. I have found most men are too much or not enough in these departments. I am not willing to compromise. I did that once.
I met a guy who worshiped the ground I walked on, who treated me like a queen. He was also emotionally sensitive, While these things were a nice change of pace, they quickly lost their charms and that made it easy for me to see that all I was going to end up doing was compromising on what I want again.
I don't want a man that worships me or puts me on a throne. I want one that has eyes for no one else when I am in the room. When we are out to dinner, without effort, he ignores the waitress who is flirting with him. When he tells me I am beautiful, he means it.
I am not against a man being emotionally sensitive, but there is a limit. When a man cries more than me or is easily offended I cannot see him for anything more than a friend. A man who denies how he feels or is incapable of expressing his emotions in an appropriate manner tells me something about his level of maturity and his lack of ability to communicate appropriately.
I firmly believe communication is key to a relationship, most importantly to a developing relationship. I have a hard time talking to men I am interested in dating. I can talk to anyone, but when I am interested I struggle. Most of the time I come off as overly aggressive and a chatter box because I am trying to keep the conversation going. I do not want to come off as being boring, but it looks like I am a crazy person instead. I want a man who can and will innate conversation, who takes interest in what I have to say and wants to know what I think. Along with that I want a guy who is ok sitting in silence and looking at the stars.
Someone I respect and who is honest should go without saying. A person learns pretty quickly if I do not respect them. I like firm men, however within reason. A guy who thinks I need to be protected and taken care of annoys me. I personally find it insulting if any man feels that way about me. I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself. Here's where it gets complicated. I, of course, want a man who is going to protect me and take care of me. It sounds like a contradiction, but I want the relationship to be one of understanding. I want to be able to say "you're the one I respect enough to allow you to protect me." I know it sounds condescending, but in reality it is a sign of trust. I trust you enough to allow myself to be vulnerable in front of you without worrying what you think.
That is the last key. I don't want someone who runs away or gets frustrated when I have a few bad days or I don't feel well. Someone who can handle the once a month emotional roller coaster by handing me some chocolate and giving me a hug. Someone who can accept me for who I am and not want to change me, just help and encourage me to improve. And someone who can handle my family.
The rest is semantics and negotiable. I know it's a lot to ask of a person, but I am slowly starting to believe what people are telling me: I have a lot to offer.
In the past few months a lot of my family and friends have felt the need to weigh in on what they think I need and deserve (thank you to you all) in a future mate. I have been told multiple times I need to find a man that worships the ground I walk on and treats me like a queen. I have been told I need someone I respect and who can keep me in line. Someone strong and emotionally sensitive. While all these things are great, they are all akin to a double edge sword. I have found most men are too much or not enough in these departments. I am not willing to compromise. I did that once.
I met a guy who worshiped the ground I walked on, who treated me like a queen. He was also emotionally sensitive, While these things were a nice change of pace, they quickly lost their charms and that made it easy for me to see that all I was going to end up doing was compromising on what I want again.
I don't want a man that worships me or puts me on a throne. I want one that has eyes for no one else when I am in the room. When we are out to dinner, without effort, he ignores the waitress who is flirting with him. When he tells me I am beautiful, he means it.
I am not against a man being emotionally sensitive, but there is a limit. When a man cries more than me or is easily offended I cannot see him for anything more than a friend. A man who denies how he feels or is incapable of expressing his emotions in an appropriate manner tells me something about his level of maturity and his lack of ability to communicate appropriately.
I firmly believe communication is key to a relationship, most importantly to a developing relationship. I have a hard time talking to men I am interested in dating. I can talk to anyone, but when I am interested I struggle. Most of the time I come off as overly aggressive and a chatter box because I am trying to keep the conversation going. I do not want to come off as being boring, but it looks like I am a crazy person instead. I want a man who can and will innate conversation, who takes interest in what I have to say and wants to know what I think. Along with that I want a guy who is ok sitting in silence and looking at the stars.
Someone I respect and who is honest should go without saying. A person learns pretty quickly if I do not respect them. I like firm men, however within reason. A guy who thinks I need to be protected and taken care of annoys me. I personally find it insulting if any man feels that way about me. I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself. Here's where it gets complicated. I, of course, want a man who is going to protect me and take care of me. It sounds like a contradiction, but I want the relationship to be one of understanding. I want to be able to say "you're the one I respect enough to allow you to protect me." I know it sounds condescending, but in reality it is a sign of trust. I trust you enough to allow myself to be vulnerable in front of you without worrying what you think.
That is the last key. I don't want someone who runs away or gets frustrated when I have a few bad days or I don't feel well. Someone who can handle the once a month emotional roller coaster by handing me some chocolate and giving me a hug. Someone who can accept me for who I am and not want to change me, just help and encourage me to improve. And someone who can handle my family.
The rest is semantics and negotiable. I know it's a lot to ask of a person, but I am slowly starting to believe what people are telling me: I have a lot to offer.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Superficial Lists
So lately I have had a bit of writers block. When I was a little girl I use to write all the time. In fact I got an award in elementary school for creative writing. I have done it all my life. When I have writers block I like to make lists. A while ago I bought this journal to help me through writer's block called Listography. So to help me unblock, I chose a few of the more mild lists to share and maybe it will help.
Favorite films:
1. The BBC version of Pride and Prejudice
2. Braveheart
3. Lord of the Rings
4. Star Wars
5. The Philadelphia Story
6. The Sound of Music
Things most people probably don't know about me:
1. I am actually really shy
2. When I am nervous I talk A LOT
3. I secretely love romantic stories
4. I am a rock star in my car
5. I don't like pie...fruit pies of any kind
Favorite books:
1. Pride and Prejudice
2. Hamlet
3. Chronicles of Narnia
4. The Mists of Avalon
5. The Christmas Box
6. Lord of the Rings
7. Through the Looking Glass
Past Lovers:
HA! Like I was going to tell you all that one!
Favorite Bands:
1. Three Doors Down
2. Breaking Benjamin
3. Three Days Grace
4. Chevelle
5. Evans Blue
6. The Goo Goo Dolls
Biggest Pet Peeves:
1. Irresponsible parents
2. kids who's hair hangs in their face
3. people who dress up their pets on a regular basis
4. hypocrits (i.e. most of Hollywood and Washington)
5. people who don't honor their commitments
6. men who wear tank tops, post half naked pictures of themselves on websites, guys who can't wear a baseball cap correctly
7. people who mimick what they see on tv
Favorite Songs:
1. The Diary of Jane
2. Let Me Go
3. Citizen Soldier
4. Fallen
5. Name
6. Satellite
Favorite Movie Stars:
1. Henry Cavill
2. Reese Whitherspoon
3. Colin Firth
4. Helena Bonham Carter
Places I would like to visit:
1. Great Britian
2. Ireland
3. Germany
4. Australia
5. China
Favorite films:
1. The BBC version of Pride and Prejudice
2. Braveheart
3. Lord of the Rings
4. Star Wars
5. The Philadelphia Story
6. The Sound of Music
Things most people probably don't know about me:
1. I am actually really shy
2. When I am nervous I talk A LOT
3. I secretely love romantic stories
4. I am a rock star in my car
5. I don't like pie...fruit pies of any kind
Favorite books:
1. Pride and Prejudice
2. Hamlet
3. Chronicles of Narnia
4. The Mists of Avalon
5. The Christmas Box
6. Lord of the Rings
7. Through the Looking Glass
Past Lovers:
HA! Like I was going to tell you all that one!
Favorite Bands:
1. Three Doors Down
2. Breaking Benjamin
3. Three Days Grace
4. Chevelle
5. Evans Blue
6. The Goo Goo Dolls
Biggest Pet Peeves:
1. Irresponsible parents
2. kids who's hair hangs in their face
3. people who dress up their pets on a regular basis
4. hypocrits (i.e. most of Hollywood and Washington)
5. people who don't honor their commitments
6. men who wear tank tops, post half naked pictures of themselves on websites, guys who can't wear a baseball cap correctly
7. people who mimick what they see on tv
Favorite Songs:
1. The Diary of Jane
2. Let Me Go
3. Citizen Soldier
4. Fallen
5. Name
6. Satellite
Favorite Movie Stars:
1. Henry Cavill
2. Reese Whitherspoon
3. Colin Firth
4. Helena Bonham Carter
Places I would like to visit:
1. Great Britian
2. Ireland
3. Germany
4. Australia
5. China
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
"She woke in the morning...She called out a warning.."
There is this episode of Family Guy where Peter makes fun of people who have myspace and facebook pages they cover with quotes from famous writers and songs, all on the name of expressing themselves. The joke was to make fun of people who use the work of others to express themselves. I thought it was a bit ridiculous for the writers of Family Guy to make fun of people for doing the exact same thing they do week after week. However, it did make me think. People wouldn't create music, literature, and art if they didn't want to share it. Most artists celebrate the fact people connect with their work on a personal level, even if it isn't the meaning they intended for the piece. Ben Burnley of "Breaking Benjamin" never shares the meaning behind the lyrics of his songs. He wants the listener to find their own meaning. Most of us cannot help connecting to work that is not our own and putting a personal meaning to it, like a couple with a song, or a quote that becomes a personal mantra. I have never been one to express how I feel in a poetic manner and most of the time in a logical manner, so I let someone else do it for me. Music has been a way for me to heal. I would like to share a song I particularly like and breakdown my meaning for you.
Heaven bend to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight
Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear
Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...
We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
THe past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
In the wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I've held so dear.
I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...
Heaven bend to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turn their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
One slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed
Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...
[2X]
"Fallen" by Sarah McLachlan
I think my downfall started just before my 25th birthday. My relationship was going through its third, and what would be its last downward cycle. I knew it would be the last time I would fight. If I had been smart I would have ended it then. I didn't. And thus began a behavioral pattern that only Heaven could save me from...I am still waiting. I got caught up in everything superficial. There were so many things about being an O-wife I couldn't stand. I was never a highly social person, nor materialistic, but I didn't want to lose the life I built. The comfort, the security. I tried to remain myself, to be the person I was raised to be, but I was overwhelmingly caught up in the designer handbags, the parties, and the social clubs. So I became something I hated. The cost was: my sanity, my soul, myself respect. Anything that was left of the real me was destroyed two years ago.
When I was in nursing school there was a morning I woke up and looked at myself in the mirror. I always look at myself in the mirror when I brush my teeth, wash my hands, brush my hair...you get the picture, simply because it's right in front of me. For some reason that morning I really looked at myself. I was pale. I am always pale, but this time it was unusual. I had never seen such dark purple circles under my eyes. It honestly looked like someone punched me in the face. My hair was a tangled mess and I was slumped over. I did not recognize myself. And it was then I realized I was no longer myself. Not just in the way I looked but in who I was.
I was lost. I had lived for months in a numb state of nothingness. But at that point what could I do? I was in the middle of nursing school, no job, no money. I couldn't change anything about my situation, but I could change who I was. I had always been the type of person who knew what she wanted in life and I went after it. Somewhere along the way I managed to lose my drive. I was going to have to get it back. At that point I knew the second I got my backbone back, it would be over.
Two years ago I felt like I had nowhere to turn. I tried to call out for help, without directly asking for it. I became the target of gossip and rumor. Nobody directly asked me about the truth. No one reached out to help me. So I poured myself into school. It was during school that I realized I made a mistake by not letting go at 25, and the result was the loss of friends, the loss of the respect of my family, and again my dignity, my self respect, my soul.
I did start with good intentions. Every newly married couple has good intentions. Every couple, when they first marry are violently in love. A therapist would call it the "honeymoon" phase. We all pretend to be something we are not. Usually this lasts for the first year or so and after that the true self comes out. My true self was never acceptable to anyone in the O-community. Most importantly it was never good enough for the person I was sharing my life with. The final action to become the person he wanted, created a past for me I can never undo.
I finally could not bear the weight of my shame any longer. I wasn't going to fight for something so ugly and broken no matter the security, even after the delivered ultimatum. It has been a bitter pill to swallow, losing my home, my financial security, and any hope for a future family. But the worst thing was to face myself in the mirror every morning and know I sold out who I am to please others.
I did get the "I told you so" speech from several people. It wasn't hard to hear, knowing it was the truth and I deserved it. At this point I feel I cannot get any lower, but I am usually wrong about these things.
Now for the meaning of my title: a warning. Always be aware of the people around you. People and relationships are not always what they seem. Before you go judging someone's actions try to understand the meaning behind them first. Never get involved in idle rumor and speculation. And when something doesn't sound right, go to the source. I was asking for help in the wrong manner. What I didn't know was my behavior was perpetuating rumors that had already been started by simple association with people I mistook for friends.
People ask me on a regular basis if I am doing ok. I would have to honestly respond that on the whole my Maslow's needs are met...to my satisfaction that remains to be seen. But really I am suppose to be starting a new chapter, a new path, older, wiser, and better prepared. However, as I sit in the basement of my dad's house, I am 16 again and right back where I started: angry, alone, and with nothing to show for the last eight years. I am certainly older, wiser...that's debatable, and nothing can prepare you for the uncertainty of life. If there is one thing I have learned in the past nine months "the best laid plans of mice and men oft go awry" This has never been more true than in my life.
Heaven bend to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight
Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear
Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...
We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
THe past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
In the wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I've held so dear.
I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...
Heaven bend to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turn their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
One slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed
Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...
[2X]
"Fallen" by Sarah McLachlan
I think my downfall started just before my 25th birthday. My relationship was going through its third, and what would be its last downward cycle. I knew it would be the last time I would fight. If I had been smart I would have ended it then. I didn't. And thus began a behavioral pattern that only Heaven could save me from...I am still waiting. I got caught up in everything superficial. There were so many things about being an O-wife I couldn't stand. I was never a highly social person, nor materialistic, but I didn't want to lose the life I built. The comfort, the security. I tried to remain myself, to be the person I was raised to be, but I was overwhelmingly caught up in the designer handbags, the parties, and the social clubs. So I became something I hated. The cost was: my sanity, my soul, myself respect. Anything that was left of the real me was destroyed two years ago.
When I was in nursing school there was a morning I woke up and looked at myself in the mirror. I always look at myself in the mirror when I brush my teeth, wash my hands, brush my hair...you get the picture, simply because it's right in front of me. For some reason that morning I really looked at myself. I was pale. I am always pale, but this time it was unusual. I had never seen such dark purple circles under my eyes. It honestly looked like someone punched me in the face. My hair was a tangled mess and I was slumped over. I did not recognize myself. And it was then I realized I was no longer myself. Not just in the way I looked but in who I was.
I was lost. I had lived for months in a numb state of nothingness. But at that point what could I do? I was in the middle of nursing school, no job, no money. I couldn't change anything about my situation, but I could change who I was. I had always been the type of person who knew what she wanted in life and I went after it. Somewhere along the way I managed to lose my drive. I was going to have to get it back. At that point I knew the second I got my backbone back, it would be over.
Two years ago I felt like I had nowhere to turn. I tried to call out for help, without directly asking for it. I became the target of gossip and rumor. Nobody directly asked me about the truth. No one reached out to help me. So I poured myself into school. It was during school that I realized I made a mistake by not letting go at 25, and the result was the loss of friends, the loss of the respect of my family, and again my dignity, my self respect, my soul.
I did start with good intentions. Every newly married couple has good intentions. Every couple, when they first marry are violently in love. A therapist would call it the "honeymoon" phase. We all pretend to be something we are not. Usually this lasts for the first year or so and after that the true self comes out. My true self was never acceptable to anyone in the O-community. Most importantly it was never good enough for the person I was sharing my life with. The final action to become the person he wanted, created a past for me I can never undo.
I finally could not bear the weight of my shame any longer. I wasn't going to fight for something so ugly and broken no matter the security, even after the delivered ultimatum. It has been a bitter pill to swallow, losing my home, my financial security, and any hope for a future family. But the worst thing was to face myself in the mirror every morning and know I sold out who I am to please others.
I did get the "I told you so" speech from several people. It wasn't hard to hear, knowing it was the truth and I deserved it. At this point I feel I cannot get any lower, but I am usually wrong about these things.
Now for the meaning of my title: a warning. Always be aware of the people around you. People and relationships are not always what they seem. Before you go judging someone's actions try to understand the meaning behind them first. Never get involved in idle rumor and speculation. And when something doesn't sound right, go to the source. I was asking for help in the wrong manner. What I didn't know was my behavior was perpetuating rumors that had already been started by simple association with people I mistook for friends.
People ask me on a regular basis if I am doing ok. I would have to honestly respond that on the whole my Maslow's needs are met...to my satisfaction that remains to be seen. But really I am suppose to be starting a new chapter, a new path, older, wiser, and better prepared. However, as I sit in the basement of my dad's house, I am 16 again and right back where I started: angry, alone, and with nothing to show for the last eight years. I am certainly older, wiser...that's debatable, and nothing can prepare you for the uncertainty of life. If there is one thing I have learned in the past nine months "the best laid plans of mice and men oft go awry" This has never been more true than in my life.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Every Woman's Dilemma
Every woman whether she is 16 or 95 has some kind of problem with her body. Yes women at the age of 95 have problems with their body. My great grandmother who will be 96 cannot understand why she can't mow her lawn or get up and downstairs like she use to or remember who her grandchildren are. I am going to start by being flat out honest. I HATE my body. Yes. I have since I hit puberty. My sister was always the gorgeous one. Even my ex thought she was hot. So here are the honest stats on me:
I am 5'3", 145lbs, I have cellulite, I am athletic which can be seen in my legs and shoulders. I have arm flaps and you can make a talking man with the fat on my tummy. I am pale and occasionally have bad skin. My teeth are crooked and not the whitest since I drink red wine and coffee. My shoulders are broad like a line backer which is why I NEVER wear spaghetti strap anything. I am flat chested but have the fanny any African American chick would die for. I also have a double chin...which is genetic, had it since I was 12. Right now I am fatter than I would like to be and out of shape. I do not have a good excuse for it. And I am reminded about my weight by my Dad and my Grandmother. I know I am smart. I know I am well read. However there are times when I feel like the stupidest person on the planet. I am not confident with men. I would rather be friends than try to date them. Just ask any man I have had a serious thing for...I am awkward and weird, I do and say stupid things. I went to both my proms STAG for heaven's sake! I dated one guy in high school and went on a total of three dates before I met my ex. Like I said a few days ago was the first time a good looking guy randomly asked me to dance. There is a VERY good chance I will NEVER get married again because of my awkwardness with men. However, I am a size 6 and I can hide any fat with black and I can cover my stupidity by putting a man in his place or out smarting him.
The point is, even Heidi Klum and Carmen Electra have day when they hate their body. No girl has serious confidence, just the appearance of it. The problem here is society and the expectations of men. HEY MEN!!!! Stop being shallow and objectifying. When you say you want a girl to bring home to mom. MEAN IT! Because whether we are 100lbs or 200lbs...its who we are on the INSIDE that counts!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am 5'3", 145lbs, I have cellulite, I am athletic which can be seen in my legs and shoulders. I have arm flaps and you can make a talking man with the fat on my tummy. I am pale and occasionally have bad skin. My teeth are crooked and not the whitest since I drink red wine and coffee. My shoulders are broad like a line backer which is why I NEVER wear spaghetti strap anything. I am flat chested but have the fanny any African American chick would die for. I also have a double chin...which is genetic, had it since I was 12. Right now I am fatter than I would like to be and out of shape. I do not have a good excuse for it. And I am reminded about my weight by my Dad and my Grandmother. I know I am smart. I know I am well read. However there are times when I feel like the stupidest person on the planet. I am not confident with men. I would rather be friends than try to date them. Just ask any man I have had a serious thing for...I am awkward and weird, I do and say stupid things. I went to both my proms STAG for heaven's sake! I dated one guy in high school and went on a total of three dates before I met my ex. Like I said a few days ago was the first time a good looking guy randomly asked me to dance. There is a VERY good chance I will NEVER get married again because of my awkwardness with men. However, I am a size 6 and I can hide any fat with black and I can cover my stupidity by putting a man in his place or out smarting him.
The point is, even Heidi Klum and Carmen Electra have day when they hate their body. No girl has serious confidence, just the appearance of it. The problem here is society and the expectations of men. HEY MEN!!!! Stop being shallow and objectifying. When you say you want a girl to bring home to mom. MEAN IT! Because whether we are 100lbs or 200lbs...its who we are on the INSIDE that counts!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Never Trust a Cowboy
I planned to write something completely different for this blog. Something about the past three years and my life and actions therein, but tonight has brought me to the same subject I have been blogging about for the past few times: love. No I am not in love...heaven forbid!!! Dead serious HEAVEN FORBID, because God only knows how much I never want to be in love again, eventhough I want a husband and children, and the whole happy ending...pieces of me know realistically it will never happen.
But nevermind that!!! Tonight something happened that has NEVER happened in the WHOLE history of me. Some random cowboy asked me to dance...like a gentleman. I was so shocked by the end of both dances I was visably shaking. I tried so hard to focus on my steps and not make a fool out of myself. What made the whole situation worse was, we were the only people on the floor!!! He asked me again later on. I finally got up the nerve to ask him for the next however he seemed to disappear before the promised dance.
Now I wouldn't normally automatically go to the place of distrust...however....I have noticed a pattern with cowboys...or at least cowboys at this selected venue. They seem to have an unending supply of partners. Whether they are ladies they already know or ladies they just met, for those who are not in the know it doesn't really matter. Whatever happened to the one woman cowboy? The pursuit of boy and girl, the wooing? Even if it is for just one night? And when did I lose the ability of being able to tell the difference between a man playing the "game" and an honest man? Do honest men still exsist or will I be asking the same question as Paula Cole : where have all the cowboys gone?
But nevermind that!!! Tonight something happened that has NEVER happened in the WHOLE history of me. Some random cowboy asked me to dance...like a gentleman. I was so shocked by the end of both dances I was visably shaking. I tried so hard to focus on my steps and not make a fool out of myself. What made the whole situation worse was, we were the only people on the floor!!! He asked me again later on. I finally got up the nerve to ask him for the next however he seemed to disappear before the promised dance.
Now I wouldn't normally automatically go to the place of distrust...however....I have noticed a pattern with cowboys...or at least cowboys at this selected venue. They seem to have an unending supply of partners. Whether they are ladies they already know or ladies they just met, for those who are not in the know it doesn't really matter. Whatever happened to the one woman cowboy? The pursuit of boy and girl, the wooing? Even if it is for just one night? And when did I lose the ability of being able to tell the difference between a man playing the "game" and an honest man? Do honest men still exsist or will I be asking the same question as Paula Cole : where have all the cowboys gone?
Friday, August 5, 2011
The White Flag and The Point
I think my last post was a bit misunderstood. First of all, I was writing from my book so maybe without the back story its a little hard to understand, but I still think my point was missed.
I was speaking about romantic love. Some of my favorite books are about the couple getting together in the end: Pride and Prejudice, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Twilight, A Midsummer Night's Dream, Much Ado About Nothing, Bridget Jones' Diary (which coincidentally happens to be one of my favorite movies), Memoirs of a Geisha, Stardust (I happen to like the movie better than the book). I think you get the point. Of course I agree that there is no greater love than that of Christ's. It has been suggested that St Teresa of Avila was given to throws of ecstasy when spoken to by the Lord. Whether this was mainly the suggestion of Bernini's masterpiece or he was bringing to light something that had already been whispered, I do not remember. But outside the grace of God, there is no such thing as love as it is between Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy, Harry and Ginny, Bella and Edward, Titania and Oberon, Beatrice and Benedict, Bridget and Mark, Sayuri and the Chairman, Yvainne and Tristan. No, the simple truth is, romantic love, is like the following: Hamlet and Ophelia, Henry VIII and Anne Boleyn, Queen Elizabeth I and England, Elaine and Lancelot. Each story has a fair maiden and a handsome knight, but in the end each one ends sadly. Hamlet on his quest for the truth lied to poor Ophelia, which lead her to suicide. While Anne and Henry's relationship was passionate in the beginning, Henry's renowned wondering eye and desire to be the coolest king ever, left Anne without a head. Queen Elizabeth was denied marrying whom she wanted and eventual died childless married to her work. Elaine thought she had romantic love with Lancelot who rescued her from a horrible curse, married her, had a child with her, and ended up cheating on her with the Queen. She died of grief.
I was speaking about romantic love. Some of my favorite books are about the couple getting together in the end: Pride and Prejudice, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Twilight, A Midsummer Night's Dream, Much Ado About Nothing, Bridget Jones' Diary (which coincidentally happens to be one of my favorite movies), Memoirs of a Geisha, Stardust (I happen to like the movie better than the book). I think you get the point. Of course I agree that there is no greater love than that of Christ's. It has been suggested that St Teresa of Avila was given to throws of ecstasy when spoken to by the Lord. Whether this was mainly the suggestion of Bernini's masterpiece or he was bringing to light something that had already been whispered, I do not remember. But outside the grace of God, there is no such thing as love as it is between Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy, Harry and Ginny, Bella and Edward, Titania and Oberon, Beatrice and Benedict, Bridget and Mark, Sayuri and the Chairman, Yvainne and Tristan. No, the simple truth is, romantic love, is like the following: Hamlet and Ophelia, Henry VIII and Anne Boleyn, Queen Elizabeth I and England, Elaine and Lancelot. Each story has a fair maiden and a handsome knight, but in the end each one ends sadly. Hamlet on his quest for the truth lied to poor Ophelia, which lead her to suicide. While Anne and Henry's relationship was passionate in the beginning, Henry's renowned wondering eye and desire to be the coolest king ever, left Anne without a head. Queen Elizabeth was denied marrying whom she wanted and eventual died childless married to her work. Elaine thought she had romantic love with Lancelot who rescued her from a horrible curse, married her, had a child with her, and ended up cheating on her with the Queen. She died of grief.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Letters I Never Meant to Send: Control of the Flame
Since I hopefully wont be a student for much longer I have officially decided to change the angle of my blog. Of course I will keep you all informed of what is going on in preceptor, but its time to start a new chapter in my life.
I feel it time for me to write some ugly truths. First with some confessions. The name of my blog comes from one of my favorite songs "Name" by the Goo Goo Dolls. Its also steams from the fact that I do write letters that I have no intention of sharing or sending to the person they are written for. I have been doing this for years. I find it very cathartic considering I am never quick enough with my tongue to get the deserving person the verbal bashing they deserve until well after the fact and it helps me unload emotions, thoughts, and feelings I wish I had the courage to say. I suppose of I am going to go along with this new chapter in life I might as well start sharing them with all of you and see how it goes. My friend Tom pointed out Psalms 51 to me which reads "The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; A broken and contrite heart..." Psalms 51:17. So I figured before I would take the advice of Evans Blue from their song "Over": "...burn all your bridges while you still have control of the flame..." So this broken spirit and broken hear are going to light some fires and not look back. Its going to start with something I wrote years ago. I have been trying to write a book for years...clearly not going well. I at least got some short stories published (Thank you Megan). Here is the introduction to my book:
There is no such thing as romance. There are no love songs, there are no love stories. What there is, is lies. She kept telling herself that. Every story ends the same. Boy meets girl. One of them loves the other or they love each other. There is something keeping them from being together. However, it all works out in the end, but if it doesn't they are all dead so it doesn't matter anyway. There is no such thing as that "fluttering" feeling in the stomach that is suppose to be love. If the feeling persists, go see the doctor because its gas bubbles or nerves, or there is a slight GI problem.
The is however burning animal lust. Not out of attractiveness or being connected to someone, its the call of nature. The body is at the right temperature and the right mixer of hormones is circulating to cause the "burning desire" sensation, which ultimately causes teenagers and adults alike to come together in a union unsuitable for the eyes of children. What is so pleasurable about raw human or,in some cases, animal nature? Sex is functional. If it is allowed to become pleasurable it shows lack of self control over the body. Some say its a matter of the heart. The heart is an ugly organ that serves to circulate blood throughout the body. The heart does not have feelings. Now if the heart breaks, as in stops working properly, there is physical pain. While on the topic of hearts "breaking" or detachment from a mate it cannot scientifically cause physical pain.
The pain said persons feel is all mental. Once again its mind over body. Although there are those who cause their mental pain to manifest into physical pain. You can actually die of a broken heart, not because you've had an myocardial infarction, but because you have simply lost the will to live. Some think this is beautiful. How is willing yourself to die for any reason beautiful? There are those feel that they are in so much pain they have to inflict it upon themselves by cutting into their flesh or participating in other physically destructive behavior. Frankly this method shows lack of maturity and self control. Who would want to mate with that person anyway?
Another way the heart is said to break, is by the death of a loved one. It is only human to be sad when a person passes, yet there is no reason for the heart to break. Death is a natural part of life. When it's time to go it's time to go, no matter how it is done.
Last there is suppose to be a war between the heart and the brain. Seeing how their is no evidence of the emotional heart that can proverbially break, it's really a battle between the logical brain and the emotional brain. Emotions, those of romantic love, are weak and therefore must be cast aside by logic which dictates that there is no such thing as romantic love.
I know the question will be asked: do I still believe this? While I have succumbed to some of the folly's I pointed out, yes I do. My brother wrote a little piece about love a few weeks ago which defined his idea of love, what it means to love, and how a person should love. It left me with one comment: the only perfect love anyone can ever expect in this life is that of Christ's. He posted with that note a link to a youtube video which happened to be the music video for a song called "What Love Really Means" by JJ Heller. She poses the question "who will love me for me?" My answer: aside from God, no one. We are human and we are never satisfied with what we have and what we are given. I love asking people, men in particular these days, what it is they are looking for in a mate. They all have the same answer, just stated in various different ways. But in the end what they really end up wanting is your best friend, someone they are disgusted by but are with because they are drunk, or Romanian strippers.
This weekend has solidified my complete disgust for the opposite sex. I officially give up. I will write down the lyrics to "Hear Me Now" by Jimmy Eat World, "Champagne High" by Sister Hazel, and "Are You Going to Kiss Me or Not" by Thompson Square, burn them, and be done with the three biggest hypocritical idiots on the planet.
I feel it time for me to write some ugly truths. First with some confessions. The name of my blog comes from one of my favorite songs "Name" by the Goo Goo Dolls. Its also steams from the fact that I do write letters that I have no intention of sharing or sending to the person they are written for. I have been doing this for years. I find it very cathartic considering I am never quick enough with my tongue to get the deserving person the verbal bashing they deserve until well after the fact and it helps me unload emotions, thoughts, and feelings I wish I had the courage to say. I suppose of I am going to go along with this new chapter in life I might as well start sharing them with all of you and see how it goes. My friend Tom pointed out Psalms 51 to me which reads "The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; A broken and contrite heart..." Psalms 51:17. So I figured before I would take the advice of Evans Blue from their song "Over": "...burn all your bridges while you still have control of the flame..." So this broken spirit and broken hear are going to light some fires and not look back. Its going to start with something I wrote years ago. I have been trying to write a book for years...clearly not going well. I at least got some short stories published (Thank you Megan). Here is the introduction to my book:
There is no such thing as romance. There are no love songs, there are no love stories. What there is, is lies. She kept telling herself that. Every story ends the same. Boy meets girl. One of them loves the other or they love each other. There is something keeping them from being together. However, it all works out in the end, but if it doesn't they are all dead so it doesn't matter anyway. There is no such thing as that "fluttering" feeling in the stomach that is suppose to be love. If the feeling persists, go see the doctor because its gas bubbles or nerves, or there is a slight GI problem.
The is however burning animal lust. Not out of attractiveness or being connected to someone, its the call of nature. The body is at the right temperature and the right mixer of hormones is circulating to cause the "burning desire" sensation, which ultimately causes teenagers and adults alike to come together in a union unsuitable for the eyes of children. What is so pleasurable about raw human or,in some cases, animal nature? Sex is functional. If it is allowed to become pleasurable it shows lack of self control over the body. Some say its a matter of the heart. The heart is an ugly organ that serves to circulate blood throughout the body. The heart does not have feelings. Now if the heart breaks, as in stops working properly, there is physical pain. While on the topic of hearts "breaking" or detachment from a mate it cannot scientifically cause physical pain.
The pain said persons feel is all mental. Once again its mind over body. Although there are those who cause their mental pain to manifest into physical pain. You can actually die of a broken heart, not because you've had an myocardial infarction, but because you have simply lost the will to live. Some think this is beautiful. How is willing yourself to die for any reason beautiful? There are those feel that they are in so much pain they have to inflict it upon themselves by cutting into their flesh or participating in other physically destructive behavior. Frankly this method shows lack of maturity and self control. Who would want to mate with that person anyway?
Another way the heart is said to break, is by the death of a loved one. It is only human to be sad when a person passes, yet there is no reason for the heart to break. Death is a natural part of life. When it's time to go it's time to go, no matter how it is done.
Last there is suppose to be a war between the heart and the brain. Seeing how their is no evidence of the emotional heart that can proverbially break, it's really a battle between the logical brain and the emotional brain. Emotions, those of romantic love, are weak and therefore must be cast aside by logic which dictates that there is no such thing as romantic love.
I know the question will be asked: do I still believe this? While I have succumbed to some of the folly's I pointed out, yes I do. My brother wrote a little piece about love a few weeks ago which defined his idea of love, what it means to love, and how a person should love. It left me with one comment: the only perfect love anyone can ever expect in this life is that of Christ's. He posted with that note a link to a youtube video which happened to be the music video for a song called "What Love Really Means" by JJ Heller. She poses the question "who will love me for me?" My answer: aside from God, no one. We are human and we are never satisfied with what we have and what we are given. I love asking people, men in particular these days, what it is they are looking for in a mate. They all have the same answer, just stated in various different ways. But in the end what they really end up wanting is your best friend, someone they are disgusted by but are with because they are drunk, or Romanian strippers.
This weekend has solidified my complete disgust for the opposite sex. I officially give up. I will write down the lyrics to "Hear Me Now" by Jimmy Eat World, "Champagne High" by Sister Hazel, and "Are You Going to Kiss Me or Not" by Thompson Square, burn them, and be done with the three biggest hypocritical idiots on the planet.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
The Summer School Chronicles: passed the class
I just wanted to let you all know, that through it all....I PASSED. That horrid b**** gave me full points on my final. She at least owed me that. I am now in preceptor so stay tuned for crazy stories. Again please remember all stories will not be traceable to the hospital/ facility I am working at nor to my patients...who I claim to be a male maybe a female...:)
I just wanted to take a few minutes to thank a few people. The past few months of my life have been tumultuous to say the least. I want to thank people in sections.
To my family: thank you for being so understanding, supportive, defensive, and knocking my ego on my ass...as if I hadn't had enough of that already. I love you all. I miss my brother and I am not looking forward to living with Dad again. But I am grateful for what Matthew does and grateful Dad and Sharon have opened their house to my obnoxious dogs and to me...its going to be fun until I can buy a place to live :) I am sorry for the negligence to my siblings and my mom. It will change when I get back on my feet.
To my ex-in-laws: Andre and Nancy, thank you for being so kind to me through this whole process. I will truly miss being apart of your family. Thank you to Mike and Belinda, you have always been welcoming to me in your home and have always had great advice. I hope your next daughter in law (whom ever she may be) appreciates you as much as I have. Debbie....I love you like my own aunt. You are inspirational, supportive, and so positive. Thank you thank you thank you for being friends with me, I enjoy every minute of it! To the Vandenberghs...ALL of you! I love you all! All the babies and your positive attitudes! I have enjoyed every moment I have spent with you all! I pray we all remain good friends! Plus Eva is the cutest baby ever.
To my nursing school friends: In all honesty I have no freaking clue what I would do without all of you. Leslie (my fifth sister), Laura, Melissa, Sasha, Irene M, Ashley, Tracy...you are the loves of my life. Tracy thank you so much for letting me stay...Albert is my kitty lover. :) You are such a sweet person. When I first met you I honestly thought you were no older than 25. I love you and your family. Chris is a hunk...haha...just kidding. Will, thanks for keeping me grounded. Your words are hard to hear sometimes, but I know I need them. Stacey...you too baby!!!!
Cat and Jonathan: Thank you for listening and opening your home to me. One day your girls will like me. I don't think Sophie likes me. Cat I am there when you need me, just some how your timing for a ride has been off and I feel guilty, but I will try to be more available! :)
To Alissa, Chris Carr, and Chris York: You three are my oldest friends. You all have been there through my really awkward phases in life. You have never failed to listen to me and keep me in check (Alissa!). Chris Y your unfailing kindness and advice to me has been a comfort. I love you buddy with all my heart. Chris C...what can I say...you look smashing in a spandex onesie and always you give me a conversational challenge!
To Megan: You are the one AF wife that has never judged me. You are so beautiful, kind, and loving. I am so grateful you gave me to opportunity to fulfill one of my dreams. I miss you. Thank you Megan... thank you.
To Dan, Maggie, Matt, Sarah, Matt, and Cori: You all are still my family. Mags...no matter what...we are always connected!!!!!! You were the best roomie EVER!!!!!! I miss you and your hubby terribly! Matt and Sarah...thank you for your support. You two have beautiful children. I value your friendship more than you know. Matt and Cori...your marriage is something I aspire to in my next marriage (God willing I marry again). Your boys are beautiful. I pray one day I have something as beautiful as you two have. :)
To Brianna and Seth: Bri...you are my sixth sister. And whether you acknowledge or not I am baby Zach's God Mother....in my head :) You have been a constant inspiration for me through nursing school. Seth, you set the standard for men every where. I hope I find someone like you. I will kill you if you hurt my Bri! :)
To Ashley, Eric, and Martin: You guys are why I want to be apart of the military! I love hanging out with you all!! You make me laugh and I ALWAYS have a blast around you all. You are the perfect thing to lift the spirit! PS thanks Vasquez for listening.
To James: Thank you. Just Thank you. I love you.
I just wanted to take a few minutes to thank a few people. The past few months of my life have been tumultuous to say the least. I want to thank people in sections.
To my family: thank you for being so understanding, supportive, defensive, and knocking my ego on my ass...as if I hadn't had enough of that already. I love you all. I miss my brother and I am not looking forward to living with Dad again. But I am grateful for what Matthew does and grateful Dad and Sharon have opened their house to my obnoxious dogs and to me...its going to be fun until I can buy a place to live :) I am sorry for the negligence to my siblings and my mom. It will change when I get back on my feet.
To my ex-in-laws: Andre and Nancy, thank you for being so kind to me through this whole process. I will truly miss being apart of your family. Thank you to Mike and Belinda, you have always been welcoming to me in your home and have always had great advice. I hope your next daughter in law (whom ever she may be) appreciates you as much as I have. Debbie....I love you like my own aunt. You are inspirational, supportive, and so positive. Thank you thank you thank you for being friends with me, I enjoy every minute of it! To the Vandenberghs...ALL of you! I love you all! All the babies and your positive attitudes! I have enjoyed every moment I have spent with you all! I pray we all remain good friends! Plus Eva is the cutest baby ever.
To my nursing school friends: In all honesty I have no freaking clue what I would do without all of you. Leslie (my fifth sister), Laura, Melissa, Sasha, Irene M, Ashley, Tracy...you are the loves of my life. Tracy thank you so much for letting me stay...Albert is my kitty lover. :) You are such a sweet person. When I first met you I honestly thought you were no older than 25. I love you and your family. Chris is a hunk...haha...just kidding. Will, thanks for keeping me grounded. Your words are hard to hear sometimes, but I know I need them. Stacey...you too baby!!!!
Cat and Jonathan: Thank you for listening and opening your home to me. One day your girls will like me. I don't think Sophie likes me. Cat I am there when you need me, just some how your timing for a ride has been off and I feel guilty, but I will try to be more available! :)
To Alissa, Chris Carr, and Chris York: You three are my oldest friends. You all have been there through my really awkward phases in life. You have never failed to listen to me and keep me in check (Alissa!). Chris Y your unfailing kindness and advice to me has been a comfort. I love you buddy with all my heart. Chris C...what can I say...you look smashing in a spandex onesie and always you give me a conversational challenge!
To Megan: You are the one AF wife that has never judged me. You are so beautiful, kind, and loving. I am so grateful you gave me to opportunity to fulfill one of my dreams. I miss you. Thank you Megan... thank you.
To Dan, Maggie, Matt, Sarah, Matt, and Cori: You all are still my family. Mags...no matter what...we are always connected!!!!!! You were the best roomie EVER!!!!!! I miss you and your hubby terribly! Matt and Sarah...thank you for your support. You two have beautiful children. I value your friendship more than you know. Matt and Cori...your marriage is something I aspire to in my next marriage (God willing I marry again). Your boys are beautiful. I pray one day I have something as beautiful as you two have. :)
To Brianna and Seth: Bri...you are my sixth sister. And whether you acknowledge or not I am baby Zach's God Mother....in my head :) You have been a constant inspiration for me through nursing school. Seth, you set the standard for men every where. I hope I find someone like you. I will kill you if you hurt my Bri! :)
To Ashley, Eric, and Martin: You guys are why I want to be apart of the military! I love hanging out with you all!! You make me laugh and I ALWAYS have a blast around you all. You are the perfect thing to lift the spirit! PS thanks Vasquez for listening.
To James: Thank you. Just Thank you. I love you.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Book Review
As promised here is the newest book review, on not the newest books.
Gulliver's Travels by Jonathan Swift: Boring. Swift talks entirely way too much about bodily fluids. I am a nursing student and bodily fluids are a part of my life, why would I want to read about them? While I know the book is suppose to be a political satire on the politics of Swift's day, it was unamusing, although I was able to make comparison's to today's politics. All-in-all I am happy I finish the book because I almost didn't.
Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen: One of the first books in a long time that kept me wanting to pick it up and read it. The story is vivid and the characters are real. She should continue to write about the secrete lives of carnies. I read the foreword part of the book and she did an incredible job on her research. She took a very interesting look at a life style that not many of us know about and I found it fascinating. The movie, while I love Reese Witherspoon, was just ok. The book was, hands down, better.
Stardust by Neil Gaiman: Whimsical and fun. It was a quick easy read. I did like the movie better. The love story was easier to follow in the movie. The adventures seemed more real and came to life a lot better in the movie than the way they were written.
The Other Boleyn Girl by Phillipa Gregory: Everyone knows how much I love British history, especially when it has to do with court intrigue. This was a good book. It was definitely a page turner. Entertaining and gave a completely different perspective to the women surrounding Henry VIII.
Rule Number Two by Lieutenant Commander Heidi Kraft: I am not sure whether my dad is trying to convince me to not go into the Army or to go into the Army. This book did nothing but convince me that the military needs someone like me. Unmarried, no kids, and typically unfazed by humanity everything it can dish out. Lt Cmdr Kraft writes about her deployment to the Iraqi desert in 2006 and the patients she saw and took care of during her time there. She talks about the struggles she personally went through while there. One of her patients received the Medal of Honor post mortus. It was truly an amazing book. Her experience brought me to tears and truly inspired the patriot in me.
Gulliver's Travels by Jonathan Swift: Boring. Swift talks entirely way too much about bodily fluids. I am a nursing student and bodily fluids are a part of my life, why would I want to read about them? While I know the book is suppose to be a political satire on the politics of Swift's day, it was unamusing, although I was able to make comparison's to today's politics. All-in-all I am happy I finish the book because I almost didn't.
Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen: One of the first books in a long time that kept me wanting to pick it up and read it. The story is vivid and the characters are real. She should continue to write about the secrete lives of carnies. I read the foreword part of the book and she did an incredible job on her research. She took a very interesting look at a life style that not many of us know about and I found it fascinating. The movie, while I love Reese Witherspoon, was just ok. The book was, hands down, better.
Stardust by Neil Gaiman: Whimsical and fun. It was a quick easy read. I did like the movie better. The love story was easier to follow in the movie. The adventures seemed more real and came to life a lot better in the movie than the way they were written.
The Other Boleyn Girl by Phillipa Gregory: Everyone knows how much I love British history, especially when it has to do with court intrigue. This was a good book. It was definitely a page turner. Entertaining and gave a completely different perspective to the women surrounding Henry VIII.
Rule Number Two by Lieutenant Commander Heidi Kraft: I am not sure whether my dad is trying to convince me to not go into the Army or to go into the Army. This book did nothing but convince me that the military needs someone like me. Unmarried, no kids, and typically unfazed by humanity everything it can dish out. Lt Cmdr Kraft writes about her deployment to the Iraqi desert in 2006 and the patients she saw and took care of during her time there. She talks about the struggles she personally went through while there. One of her patients received the Medal of Honor post mortus. It was truly an amazing book. Her experience brought me to tears and truly inspired the patriot in me.
Friday, June 10, 2011
The Summer School Chronicles: weeks 3 and 4
It is amazing how one person can be so...egotistical. Prof Politically Correct has got an ego the size of a fighter pilots, and she's not even close to being that intelligent or bad ass. Apparently she thinks her power points and lectures are the best, so she hasn't changed either since last semester. I had hoped the real reason they brought back Prof CSI was to teach Prof Politcally Correct to teach Community Health. As it turns out, this may not be the case. I think they are just using her community contacts at the refugee center. Prof Politically Correct's testing style hasn't changed either. I failed the first test by half a point. I read the chapters, I outlined them, I reviewed the slides, I went to class, I did the "study guide" and yet I still failed. I could tell which questions were written by Prof P.C. and which were written by Prof CSI. The ones written by Prof CSI were clear cut and made sense, therefore I got them right. But true to her form Prof P.C. was vague and unclear and basically retarded in her questions. I learned however, I was not the only one who felt this way and I was not the only one who failed. The key thing was: Prof CSI felt the same way we did, and she answered the questions we all got wrong the same way we did. Interesting....the Doctorate of Community Health and Women's Health answered the retarded questions the same way we did and had the same complaints we did. You would think this would alert the school to something or at least change the mind of the Prof with only the Masters who has been teaching for less than a year, but no, no it didn't. That is how big her ego is. Prof CSI tried to convince her to take two answers for several questions and explained the vague nature of the questions were even confusing to her. Still nothing. Prof CSI even tried to convince her to get rid of a rather useless assignment on poverty, but again no go. Does anyone else see a problem here?
Clinical....what can I say about clinical. One of the most boring experiences, with brief flashes of brilliance. One week we taugh an Iraqi family how to use the public library. That was quiet the experience. While the family speaks English, they do not speak it well enough to fully understand or benefit from the use of the public library. On the way to the library, one of the Iraqi girls bent over and picked up a dusty piece of pizza off the ground and for a second I thought she took a bite of it, but all she did was smell it...I was slightly miffed as to why she would do such a thing. The following week I drove around town with Prof CSI helping her find all of her old refugee friends. We managed to locate a good portion of them and spent hours talking to a lot of them. I cannot quiet understand how Prof CSI is so comfortable walking into someone's home who does not speak English and has a minimal understand of hygiene. The next day a large group of us interviewed a man from Congo, who's family has been here for almost three years. He tried to open a discussion with us (it seems I was the only one who perceived his attempt), with a profound question. He was studying for seminary school and one of the questions he had been asked on an assignment was: aside from spiritual and religious leaders name three inspiring leaders and why they are inspiring to you? I was amazed by this question. The group thought we were suppose to help him find someone, but he was asking us who we personally found inspiring. At the end of the interview he explained that to us. Most people threw out nursing leaders, but I did not. I was thinking. Who do I find inspiring? Certainly not anyone in nursing...for now. I wanted to ask: did the person have to be famous? Did they have to be inspiring to a lot of people or just me?
The rest of the interview was amazing. He told us about his experiences in the various refugee camps in Africa, about his tragic life and struggle for his family here in the US. He talked about how he trusted God in every situation and how through the trials the family experience he knew God was teaching him and the members of his family a lesson. We asked him what he thought of American food, he expressed an intense dislike for shell fish and said that sometimes his family just prefered the traditional foods of the camps. We also asked him if he liked being located in America. He smiled and I knew he wanted to say no because of the difficulties he and other refugees experience here, but he said he was grateful to be here.
His interview made me wonder why we make it so difficult for people seeking refuge to live here. Why do we make it so difficult for ourselves. I firmly believe we are the best country in the world and yet...in some ways we are no better than the countries these refugees come from. We cannot take care of our own. And I wonder why.
Clinical....what can I say about clinical. One of the most boring experiences, with brief flashes of brilliance. One week we taugh an Iraqi family how to use the public library. That was quiet the experience. While the family speaks English, they do not speak it well enough to fully understand or benefit from the use of the public library. On the way to the library, one of the Iraqi girls bent over and picked up a dusty piece of pizza off the ground and for a second I thought she took a bite of it, but all she did was smell it...I was slightly miffed as to why she would do such a thing. The following week I drove around town with Prof CSI helping her find all of her old refugee friends. We managed to locate a good portion of them and spent hours talking to a lot of them. I cannot quiet understand how Prof CSI is so comfortable walking into someone's home who does not speak English and has a minimal understand of hygiene. The next day a large group of us interviewed a man from Congo, who's family has been here for almost three years. He tried to open a discussion with us (it seems I was the only one who perceived his attempt), with a profound question. He was studying for seminary school and one of the questions he had been asked on an assignment was: aside from spiritual and religious leaders name three inspiring leaders and why they are inspiring to you? I was amazed by this question. The group thought we were suppose to help him find someone, but he was asking us who we personally found inspiring. At the end of the interview he explained that to us. Most people threw out nursing leaders, but I did not. I was thinking. Who do I find inspiring? Certainly not anyone in nursing...for now. I wanted to ask: did the person have to be famous? Did they have to be inspiring to a lot of people or just me?
The rest of the interview was amazing. He told us about his experiences in the various refugee camps in Africa, about his tragic life and struggle for his family here in the US. He talked about how he trusted God in every situation and how through the trials the family experience he knew God was teaching him and the members of his family a lesson. We asked him what he thought of American food, he expressed an intense dislike for shell fish and said that sometimes his family just prefered the traditional foods of the camps. We also asked him if he liked being located in America. He smiled and I knew he wanted to say no because of the difficulties he and other refugees experience here, but he said he was grateful to be here.
His interview made me wonder why we make it so difficult for people seeking refuge to live here. Why do we make it so difficult for ourselves. I firmly believe we are the best country in the world and yet...in some ways we are no better than the countries these refugees come from. We cannot take care of our own. And I wonder why.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
The Summer School Chronicles: Week 1 1/2
Yes folks, if you didn't already know by now: I am in summer school. I am not enjoying it. Prof Politically Correct is teaching, and no offense to any of you who have friends in the accelerated program, but they are not exactly the sharpest tools in the shed. Among the many downsides of summer school (personal downsides included) there are some up sides. Prof CSI is back, but only for the summer, sadly, for those who will come after. And the clinical of working with refugees holds promise...although nothing to exciting yet.
Thus far the lectures have been the same. Prof Politically Correct has not changed up her slide shows nor her lectures. She likes to stand right in front of me during the whole class period, and I sit in the far back corner. Too bad for all those that sit up front so they can hear clearly. She has tried to engage me in political conversation, I have declined to take her bait and insist on focusing ardently on my textbook. I outline the chapters now to make damn sure this time I pass. I have been asked several different times what I am going to do differently this time around, my reponse: a) I am not going to get a divorce, b) I was basically almost a straight A student through nursing school with the exception of this class so I haven't got a fucking clue what I am going to do differently except have her review my study guide (should she provide one) before the test. I have also been asked what her tests are like, simply put: they suck. She sucks all around. Get used to it.
Working with the refugees thus far has been rather uneventful. On the first day we visited families that Prof CSI knew a year ago...most have moved, but there was a large population of Butanese (from Butan) that live in this one complex. The Butanese love to talk and share their stories. They love you coming in their house and they almost always serve you food or beverage when you visit. I have had Butanese food!! Not bad. They like the spicy stuff and they like curry. They made these fried wheat rice donut things for us, but they weren't sweet. There were two Butanese men in mourning when we visited. In their culture, when you are in morning you go through a 13 day ritual where you have one small meal a day of rice. They wear white cloth with no stitching. Those that are in mourning cannot be touched and they have to make their own food. It was interesting...I almost wished I had stayed with my original major of Anthropology...oh well. They told us stories about the refugee camps in Nepal and about their struggles in the US. Thus far they have been the most interesting. I have met people from Burma, Sudan, and Ethiopia. Like is said...there is promise once we figure out what the heck we are suppose to do. Which we really don't know what we are doing, its a crap shoot every week.
We have started to discuss the community project. I basically told them my brain is on cruise control, just tell me what you want me to do and I will do it, other than that I don't care. Well like I said, these accelerated folks are not all that swift plus they take forever to decide something...not very organized. My group has decided to bite off more than they can chew, so I just took my part and shut up because they were not listening to me. I have been there and done that and almost got an A on it (we forgot profession resources), plus Prof Mom was a hard ass. No matter how much I tell them simplicity is the easiest way to an A, especially since we have such a limited amount of time, they won't listen. I miss my class...
Today was really interesting. I spent A LOT of one on one time with Prof CSI. I had the feeling she was sizing me up all day, and we got into some personal conversations. She really is a nice person and rather intellegent. She understood a lot about what I went through over the past few years and in the past few months...surprisingly, it was comforting to know at least one professor was not judging me. I am sorry the school is going to lose her.
Anyway, I have a book review coming up for everyone! Hurray!
Thus far the lectures have been the same. Prof Politically Correct has not changed up her slide shows nor her lectures. She likes to stand right in front of me during the whole class period, and I sit in the far back corner. Too bad for all those that sit up front so they can hear clearly. She has tried to engage me in political conversation, I have declined to take her bait and insist on focusing ardently on my textbook. I outline the chapters now to make damn sure this time I pass. I have been asked several different times what I am going to do differently this time around, my reponse: a) I am not going to get a divorce, b) I was basically almost a straight A student through nursing school with the exception of this class so I haven't got a fucking clue what I am going to do differently except have her review my study guide (should she provide one) before the test. I have also been asked what her tests are like, simply put: they suck. She sucks all around. Get used to it.
Working with the refugees thus far has been rather uneventful. On the first day we visited families that Prof CSI knew a year ago...most have moved, but there was a large population of Butanese (from Butan) that live in this one complex. The Butanese love to talk and share their stories. They love you coming in their house and they almost always serve you food or beverage when you visit. I have had Butanese food!! Not bad. They like the spicy stuff and they like curry. They made these fried wheat rice donut things for us, but they weren't sweet. There were two Butanese men in mourning when we visited. In their culture, when you are in morning you go through a 13 day ritual where you have one small meal a day of rice. They wear white cloth with no stitching. Those that are in mourning cannot be touched and they have to make their own food. It was interesting...I almost wished I had stayed with my original major of Anthropology...oh well. They told us stories about the refugee camps in Nepal and about their struggles in the US. Thus far they have been the most interesting. I have met people from Burma, Sudan, and Ethiopia. Like is said...there is promise once we figure out what the heck we are suppose to do. Which we really don't know what we are doing, its a crap shoot every week.
We have started to discuss the community project. I basically told them my brain is on cruise control, just tell me what you want me to do and I will do it, other than that I don't care. Well like I said, these accelerated folks are not all that swift plus they take forever to decide something...not very organized. My group has decided to bite off more than they can chew, so I just took my part and shut up because they were not listening to me. I have been there and done that and almost got an A on it (we forgot profession resources), plus Prof Mom was a hard ass. No matter how much I tell them simplicity is the easiest way to an A, especially since we have such a limited amount of time, they won't listen. I miss my class...
Today was really interesting. I spent A LOT of one on one time with Prof CSI. I had the feeling she was sizing me up all day, and we got into some personal conversations. She really is a nice person and rather intellegent. She understood a lot about what I went through over the past few years and in the past few months...surprisingly, it was comforting to know at least one professor was not judging me. I am sorry the school is going to lose her.
Anyway, I have a book review coming up for everyone! Hurray!
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Divorce
Dearest Family and Friends-
Some of you may or may not know that after nine years of being together and seven and a half years of marriage, Jeremy and I came to the quick decision to divorce. We have struggled with our marriage since moving to Las Vegas, when it became abundantly clear the two of us did not have the same idea of marriage. We struggled with counseling and it came down to an ultimatum from me, which ulitmately caused a rift and our eventual break. We have tried to keep things amicable and are trying to remain friends. We would like to thank all of our family and friends for their support over the years and their continual support through this difficult time for the both of us. I cannot speak for Jeremy, but if anyone has questions, please feel free to ask.
Jennifer
Some of you may or may not know that after nine years of being together and seven and a half years of marriage, Jeremy and I came to the quick decision to divorce. We have struggled with our marriage since moving to Las Vegas, when it became abundantly clear the two of us did not have the same idea of marriage. We struggled with counseling and it came down to an ultimatum from me, which ulitmately caused a rift and our eventual break. We have tried to keep things amicable and are trying to remain friends. We would like to thank all of our family and friends for their support over the years and their continual support through this difficult time for the both of us. I cannot speak for Jeremy, but if anyone has questions, please feel free to ask.
Jennifer
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Day 234 thru 245: Three Points
It is amazing how three points which in my case, equals one percent, can change your life. I guess there is no use hiding it anymore: I failed the test portion of my community health class by one percent (three points). I have a 74% and you need a 75% to pass. I cannot tell you what happened or why it happened. I have no one to blame but myself. I can tell you I did try to fight for those three points, but Prof Politically Correct would not listen. Three of my dearest friends fought for me on Monday, but she still would not listen. I owe Cupcake, Celtic Fan, and Mexican Lady Gaga. Thank you from the bottom of my heart ladies for doing what you could. I will figure out something nice for each of you.
Now I know there are some in my audience that are thinking "well I am not surprised" or "I knew she would mess up somewhere along the line." To all you negative Nancies and Neds I understand the material of the class I failed. I received a Level 3 on the placement test (highest level) and on my comprehensive predictor I have a 94% chance of passing the NCLEX on the first time. So...suck it.
On a lighter note, I am still pinning in May and I am still graduating in May. I will be registering for summer school (God willing) and "officially" finishing in August. During which time I will promptly move back to CO and take my NCLEX and hopefully find a job.
For now, I am currently looking for a job to fill my empty time...so if anyone knows of one please let me know!!!
And for all of you at school: I am not a leper...I would like to see you all and hang out. :)
Now I know there are some in my audience that are thinking "well I am not surprised" or "I knew she would mess up somewhere along the line." To all you negative Nancies and Neds I understand the material of the class I failed. I received a Level 3 on the placement test (highest level) and on my comprehensive predictor I have a 94% chance of passing the NCLEX on the first time. So...suck it.
On a lighter note, I am still pinning in May and I am still graduating in May. I will be registering for summer school (God willing) and "officially" finishing in August. During which time I will promptly move back to CO and take my NCLEX and hopefully find a job.
For now, I am currently looking for a job to fill my empty time...so if anyone knows of one please let me know!!!
And for all of you at school: I am not a leper...I would like to see you all and hang out. :)
Monday, March 21, 2011
Days 209 thru 233: Classroom Confessions
Wow....I did not realize how long it had been since my last post. I must appologize. School has been rather insane. Three group projects, one retarded paper, and Lord knows what else to do. Not to mention life outside of school has been busy.
I have to say I am so glad the group projects are finally done. I was getting tired of everyone bickering. I wasn't frustrated with anyone, I was just frustrated with the projects themselves. It is difficult to keep all of the information straight and organize your time between three different groups with three different projects. One of the things I found extremely annoying what the peer evaluations. I don't like judging my peers, especially when I know we are all busy and all have a million project obligations, so I didn't give anyone less than full points. I do have to say I know people who through their partners under the bus. For some of us that one point we didn't get kept us from getting a higher grade. It made the difference between an A and a B. So thank you! Thank you for giving me a lower grade because I didn't live up to your expectations.
So I finally broke and told Prof Politically Correct how I felt. One of our projects was to write an opinion letter to a government representitive. We were suppose to write about something that effected nursing. I decided to write about the new Healthcare Reform. While I got fairly counted down for not using the proper format, my grade further plummeted because (in my opinion) my views on the healthcare reform were not the same as my professor. After ten weeks of listening to her soapboxes and her judgemental opinions, I finally had enough. I told her I felt like she violated a personal line, and it was unprofessional of her to ask us about our political and personal stances. I told her, the review I will give her at the end of class will be less than glowing and it is because of her unprofessional conduct.
Which leads me to my last blurb. We have had a lot of confessions about personal lives lately, thanks to our vulnerable populations projects. There seems to be a lot of dark personal secrets in our class. I thank everyone for sharing. I did not feel comfortable sharing my full story about anything because of the judgemental way some of the students and Prof Politically Correct reacted to confessions and answers to hypothetical situations. When we had to talk about abortion in class, I was extremely uncomfortable, I cannot imagine what it would have been like had I shared during my presentation. We are taught not to judge others and to think about things from another's perspective. I did not hear a whole hell of a lot of that going on in class. In a way I was disappointed with the people in my class for being so judgemental and for not standing up for those being singled out by Prof Politically Correct. We have been together for two years and some of us longer. We are adults and have gone through some challenging experiences together, I would think by now we have bonded enough to respect one another. I guess I was wrong.
I have to say I am so glad the group projects are finally done. I was getting tired of everyone bickering. I wasn't frustrated with anyone, I was just frustrated with the projects themselves. It is difficult to keep all of the information straight and organize your time between three different groups with three different projects. One of the things I found extremely annoying what the peer evaluations. I don't like judging my peers, especially when I know we are all busy and all have a million project obligations, so I didn't give anyone less than full points. I do have to say I know people who through their partners under the bus. For some of us that one point we didn't get kept us from getting a higher grade. It made the difference between an A and a B. So thank you! Thank you for giving me a lower grade because I didn't live up to your expectations.
So I finally broke and told Prof Politically Correct how I felt. One of our projects was to write an opinion letter to a government representitive. We were suppose to write about something that effected nursing. I decided to write about the new Healthcare Reform. While I got fairly counted down for not using the proper format, my grade further plummeted because (in my opinion) my views on the healthcare reform were not the same as my professor. After ten weeks of listening to her soapboxes and her judgemental opinions, I finally had enough. I told her I felt like she violated a personal line, and it was unprofessional of her to ask us about our political and personal stances. I told her, the review I will give her at the end of class will be less than glowing and it is because of her unprofessional conduct.
Which leads me to my last blurb. We have had a lot of confessions about personal lives lately, thanks to our vulnerable populations projects. There seems to be a lot of dark personal secrets in our class. I thank everyone for sharing. I did not feel comfortable sharing my full story about anything because of the judgemental way some of the students and Prof Politically Correct reacted to confessions and answers to hypothetical situations. When we had to talk about abortion in class, I was extremely uncomfortable, I cannot imagine what it would have been like had I shared during my presentation. We are taught not to judge others and to think about things from another's perspective. I did not hear a whole hell of a lot of that going on in class. In a way I was disappointed with the people in my class for being so judgemental and for not standing up for those being singled out by Prof Politically Correct. We have been together for two years and some of us longer. We are adults and have gone through some challenging experiences together, I would think by now we have bonded enough to respect one another. I guess I was wrong.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Day 198 thru 208: Conflict Resolution
So I would like to start this blog with a word of warning: I am going through some pretty rough stuff in my personal life right now and it's liable to spill over into school. So if you call me out in front of a bunch of people after I just bombed a test I studied hard for, you're likely to get bitch slapped next time. Otherwise I love you.
What can I say about Prof Politically Correct? I am sick of her. I don't like her...and its not because I disagree with her political views. When you give a test and end up having to throw out 7 of the 50 questions because over half the class missed them....either there is something wrong with us (we could have underestimated your testing style), you suck at teaching, or you just suck at writing tests. Based on what I heard from those who just finished fourth semester...I am going to go with the last one. Not to mention the fact you automatically assumed that those of us who did get the questions right "just guested because that's what statistics say" is the wrong thing to assume (remember assuming...makes an "ass" out of "u" and "me"). Not to mention we get penalized because we got the question right! How messed up is that!? Needless to say, I did not do so well on these first two tests. I actually studied hard for them too because of what I heard from the class that just graduated...now I know.
SOOO the main topic of discussion this week was conflict resolution. When Prof Politically Correct started in on Korea about her nasty habit in front of the whole class my primary instinct was "Whoa out of line and inappropriate...can I hide under the table cause Korea is going to open a can of kick butt and I honestly want to be able to say I saw nothing." The whole thing was staged, but for a minute there it was pretty scary. We took some kind of test in our textbook to understand how we handle conflict. I wasn't surprised at my answers but others were. I would have to say, how I handle conflict depends on the situation and who I am in the conflict with. For those that know the test here are my scores:
Collaborating: 17
Compromising:13
Competing: 19
Accomodating: 19
Avoiding: 16
I do not avoid conflict. I would rather face it head on. And I guess compromising is something I need to work on. Which I know. I am a stubborn person and it truly is a fault I am constantly try to work on. I guess what surprised everyone the most, or at least Red, was the accomodating. I can be very accomodating because depending on who the conflict is with, after a while I just realize its easier to cave than keep fighting.
The other big topic was "polarized conflict". So the example everyone chose: abortion. I left the room, but unfortunately Prof Politically Correct knows my name (crap) so I had to give my opinion. I am pro-life. I don't like talking about abortion, its a highly personal topic for me. Not to mention no matter how logically I argue my case, some chick ends up asking me why I hate my own sex so much. So I just want to say here, I am against it, I have my reasons. The end.
Now I am going to work on the twenty different projects I have for this semester....
What can I say about Prof Politically Correct? I am sick of her. I don't like her...and its not because I disagree with her political views. When you give a test and end up having to throw out 7 of the 50 questions because over half the class missed them....either there is something wrong with us (we could have underestimated your testing style), you suck at teaching, or you just suck at writing tests. Based on what I heard from those who just finished fourth semester...I am going to go with the last one. Not to mention the fact you automatically assumed that those of us who did get the questions right "just guested because that's what statistics say" is the wrong thing to assume (remember assuming...makes an "ass" out of "u" and "me"). Not to mention we get penalized because we got the question right! How messed up is that!? Needless to say, I did not do so well on these first two tests. I actually studied hard for them too because of what I heard from the class that just graduated...now I know.
SOOO the main topic of discussion this week was conflict resolution. When Prof Politically Correct started in on Korea about her nasty habit in front of the whole class my primary instinct was "Whoa out of line and inappropriate...can I hide under the table cause Korea is going to open a can of kick butt and I honestly want to be able to say I saw nothing." The whole thing was staged, but for a minute there it was pretty scary. We took some kind of test in our textbook to understand how we handle conflict. I wasn't surprised at my answers but others were. I would have to say, how I handle conflict depends on the situation and who I am in the conflict with. For those that know the test here are my scores:
Collaborating: 17
Compromising:13
Competing: 19
Accomodating: 19
Avoiding: 16
I do not avoid conflict. I would rather face it head on. And I guess compromising is something I need to work on. Which I know. I am a stubborn person and it truly is a fault I am constantly try to work on. I guess what surprised everyone the most, or at least Red, was the accomodating. I can be very accomodating because depending on who the conflict is with, after a while I just realize its easier to cave than keep fighting.
The other big topic was "polarized conflict". So the example everyone chose: abortion. I left the room, but unfortunately Prof Politically Correct knows my name (crap) so I had to give my opinion. I am pro-life. I don't like talking about abortion, its a highly personal topic for me. Not to mention no matter how logically I argue my case, some chick ends up asking me why I hate my own sex so much. So I just want to say here, I am against it, I have my reasons. The end.
Now I am going to work on the twenty different projects I have for this semester....
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Day 192 thru 197: Soapbox "From Socrates to Snooki"
Ahh...thank you NCIS for the great quote. What "Ducky" was talking about was: in such a small amount of time we have gone from listening to great orators waxing about the human existence and the meaning of life to watching an orange colored pygmy with big hair get drunk on the beach. So with that here are my soapboxes (unlike Prof Politically Correct, I save it for an appropriate medium.)
Soapbox number two (remember number one was about leadership): I am a firm believer in personal responsibility and accountability. From a small child I was taught I am responsible for the things that I do and say and should be held accountable for them (and when I was a child, for what my sibling say and do...ah the joys of being the oldest). So in essence "you made your bed now you have to lie in it." I have been held accountable for the things that I have said/ done and I have taken responsibility for them (or I am in the continual process of doing so). And sometimes it sucks! But that is what growing up and being adult and being a responsible member of society is about.
Relation to today's topic (Healthcare Reform): The majority of the American people lack personal responsibility and have developed a sense of personal entitlement. Someone else should take care of their problems or its not their fault for being in the situation they are in, "the man is keeping them down." What this healthcare reform does is increases the lack of personal responsibility and feeds into the sense of personal entitlement. It says healthcare coverage is a right not a privilege. To a certain extent everyone has the right to be healthy, but you do not have the right to expect me to pay for your poor choices, just as I do not have the right to expect others to pay for my poor choices. Now the point was made that we already pay for others' poor choices through taxes through Medicare and Medicaid. Now the idea of these two systems is great, but as they are now they are corrupt, abused, and outdated. So why are we creating another system to become just as corrupt and abused? People are going to start thinking that now that they have healthcare there isn't any reason as to why they shouldn't go to the doctor for the sniffles and to the extreme...well I have coverage why not smoke crack, I am taken care of...? Preventative care is not going to matter for some people. People are going to do what they want when they want to no matter what the doctor says. Like the lung cancer patient that keeps smoking even though they know that shouldn't! So essentially what I am saying is, I don't want to pay for your poor choices.
Soapbox number three: Professors should NEVER soapbox their personal political opinions in the classroom unless they are going to FAIRLY and HONESTLY represent both side of an argument.
Relation to today's topic (Healthcare reform): I just want to start by saying I am all for reforming healthcare, but I personally believe the way the US government went about it was wrong and unconstitutional. For starters the bill was pushed (through open coercion and threats) through congress and against the will of The People, which congress is suppose to represent. Now I don't want anyone to think I think that insurance companies should be allowed to run amok or that children should be without coverage, because I don't. Children should have coverage, "pre-exsisting conditions" clauses are bullshit, and making private parties pay through the nose to cover the higher risk patients, I believe there should be caps. While the reform law covers SOME of these things, it doesn't take care of all and it creates problems that Prof Politically Correct is not telling us.
First, while the law is suppose to set caps on private payers, that's only half the problem. What Prof Politically Correct is not telling us is the law does not regulate how much the insurance companies pay out for services rendered. Now my healthcare is a government healtcare plan, so I can tell you exactly how much my insurance pays for what. My nasal surgery cost thousands of dollars (with everything) and Tricare maybe paid for 30% of what was charged. Now I didn't have to pay for what was left, because of my coverage, so the surgical team had to "eat" the rest of the cost. This ultimately drives up the cost for others. Now if all insurance becomes essentially a single payer source (because that is what the government is doing, it is "buying out" these insurance companies) the government will dictate how much it will pay for services. It may not DENY services, but it won't pay what is being charged. So if you think of it as a chain: a person comes in for a service- now factor in the cost of supplies, personnel, misc, that amount is predetermined by the facility- so they bill the government, but in return, because the government is the ultimate regulator, the facility only receives 20% of cost (which is what Medicare pays). Now if a facility is only getting 20% of what it is charging, how long do you think they will stay in business? Now your argument will be doctors and facilities are charging ridiculous amounts of money for their services, and you would be correct. This law does not regulate the amount of money healthcare personnel and facilities can charge for their services. Now that we are working in the healthcare field, are you willing to take a cut in pay? Are you willing to have a higher patient ratio? Because this leads me to my second point.
Facilities and healthcare workers are not going to lower their prices to accommodate their prices to accommodate the needs of the people because they won't turn a profit (come on people its a capitalistic society!) So they are not going to lower their costs, but they are not going to receive the compensation that they are getting now, they are either going to have to cut back on their services or cut back on their personnel. So if they do lower their costs, they run the risk of personnel leaving (for lack of adequate compensation) and the risk of not being able to provide the quality of service the people demand. Now part of the reason healthcare workers and facilities cost so much is because of the cost of supplies. There are no regulations on how much GE can charge for a MRI machine or how much Pfizer can charge for Zoloft. So once again you have a chain reaction, if the facilities are not getting paid cost for their supplies, corporations are not getting business, thus driving up costs, and lowering the economy.
For right now these are the main reasons I am not a fan of the Healthcare Reform law. I look at it this way, as a nurse I know I am not going to be properly financially compensated for the amount of work I do. If my patient ratios increase, I am at a higher risk for being sued for malpractice (yes! Nurses can be sued for malpractice!) and at a higher risk for making mistakes. While there are good things that this reform offers, it is not good enough or comprehensive enough for me to a) pay for it and b) risk my career for it.
Please keep in mind this my personal opinion and I did not pull it out of the air people. I actually read the law. And I have done a lot of investigation into this. Everyone is entitled to their opinion please respect mine. :)
Soapbox number two (remember number one was about leadership): I am a firm believer in personal responsibility and accountability. From a small child I was taught I am responsible for the things that I do and say and should be held accountable for them (and when I was a child, for what my sibling say and do...ah the joys of being the oldest). So in essence "you made your bed now you have to lie in it." I have been held accountable for the things that I have said/ done and I have taken responsibility for them (or I am in the continual process of doing so). And sometimes it sucks! But that is what growing up and being adult and being a responsible member of society is about.
Relation to today's topic (Healthcare Reform): The majority of the American people lack personal responsibility and have developed a sense of personal entitlement. Someone else should take care of their problems or its not their fault for being in the situation they are in, "the man is keeping them down." What this healthcare reform does is increases the lack of personal responsibility and feeds into the sense of personal entitlement. It says healthcare coverage is a right not a privilege. To a certain extent everyone has the right to be healthy, but you do not have the right to expect me to pay for your poor choices, just as I do not have the right to expect others to pay for my poor choices. Now the point was made that we already pay for others' poor choices through taxes through Medicare and Medicaid. Now the idea of these two systems is great, but as they are now they are corrupt, abused, and outdated. So why are we creating another system to become just as corrupt and abused? People are going to start thinking that now that they have healthcare there isn't any reason as to why they shouldn't go to the doctor for the sniffles and to the extreme...well I have coverage why not smoke crack, I am taken care of...? Preventative care is not going to matter for some people. People are going to do what they want when they want to no matter what the doctor says. Like the lung cancer patient that keeps smoking even though they know that shouldn't! So essentially what I am saying is, I don't want to pay for your poor choices.
Soapbox number three: Professors should NEVER soapbox their personal political opinions in the classroom unless they are going to FAIRLY and HONESTLY represent both side of an argument.
Relation to today's topic (Healthcare reform): I just want to start by saying I am all for reforming healthcare, but I personally believe the way the US government went about it was wrong and unconstitutional. For starters the bill was pushed (through open coercion and threats) through congress and against the will of The People, which congress is suppose to represent. Now I don't want anyone to think I think that insurance companies should be allowed to run amok or that children should be without coverage, because I don't. Children should have coverage, "pre-exsisting conditions" clauses are bullshit, and making private parties pay through the nose to cover the higher risk patients, I believe there should be caps. While the reform law covers SOME of these things, it doesn't take care of all and it creates problems that Prof Politically Correct is not telling us.
First, while the law is suppose to set caps on private payers, that's only half the problem. What Prof Politically Correct is not telling us is the law does not regulate how much the insurance companies pay out for services rendered. Now my healthcare is a government healtcare plan, so I can tell you exactly how much my insurance pays for what. My nasal surgery cost thousands of dollars (with everything) and Tricare maybe paid for 30% of what was charged. Now I didn't have to pay for what was left, because of my coverage, so the surgical team had to "eat" the rest of the cost. This ultimately drives up the cost for others. Now if all insurance becomes essentially a single payer source (because that is what the government is doing, it is "buying out" these insurance companies) the government will dictate how much it will pay for services. It may not DENY services, but it won't pay what is being charged. So if you think of it as a chain: a person comes in for a service- now factor in the cost of supplies, personnel, misc, that amount is predetermined by the facility- so they bill the government, but in return, because the government is the ultimate regulator, the facility only receives 20% of cost (which is what Medicare pays). Now if a facility is only getting 20% of what it is charging, how long do you think they will stay in business? Now your argument will be doctors and facilities are charging ridiculous amounts of money for their services, and you would be correct. This law does not regulate the amount of money healthcare personnel and facilities can charge for their services. Now that we are working in the healthcare field, are you willing to take a cut in pay? Are you willing to have a higher patient ratio? Because this leads me to my second point.
Facilities and healthcare workers are not going to lower their prices to accommodate their prices to accommodate the needs of the people because they won't turn a profit (come on people its a capitalistic society!) So they are not going to lower their costs, but they are not going to receive the compensation that they are getting now, they are either going to have to cut back on their services or cut back on their personnel. So if they do lower their costs, they run the risk of personnel leaving (for lack of adequate compensation) and the risk of not being able to provide the quality of service the people demand. Now part of the reason healthcare workers and facilities cost so much is because of the cost of supplies. There are no regulations on how much GE can charge for a MRI machine or how much Pfizer can charge for Zoloft. So once again you have a chain reaction, if the facilities are not getting paid cost for their supplies, corporations are not getting business, thus driving up costs, and lowering the economy.
For right now these are the main reasons I am not a fan of the Healthcare Reform law. I look at it this way, as a nurse I know I am not going to be properly financially compensated for the amount of work I do. If my patient ratios increase, I am at a higher risk for being sued for malpractice (yes! Nurses can be sued for malpractice!) and at a higher risk for making mistakes. While there are good things that this reform offers, it is not good enough or comprehensive enough for me to a) pay for it and b) risk my career for it.
Please keep in mind this my personal opinion and I did not pull it out of the air people. I actually read the law. And I have done a lot of investigation into this. Everyone is entitled to their opinion please respect mine. :)
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Round Four: Final Round!!!!!!!!
Hallelujah!!! Praise the Lord!!! Not just a figure of speech people, I am actually praising God. Without God's mercy I would not have made it this far and certainly not past third semester. I can honestly say I am not ready for this semester simply because I have not recovered from the massive bloody mess of last semester. But with staunch determination I march forward. Ten weeks of lecture with the ONE professor. First day of the semester and I already have a name for her! Prof Politically Correct! Oh Lordy! I might have met my match! She is all about the politics and so is this semester!!! LOOK OUT Y'ALL!!! I will try to keep my comments tactful and to a minimum. Then I get Prof Mom for clinical. I am OK with that. People are already unhappy with the semester and its only been day one. Chin up buckaroos LAST SEMESTER!!!!!!!!
Now my plug: Hibiscus Salon and Day Spa at the Westin Hotel in Vegas. Absolutely hands down THE BEST. So relaxing, fabulous people. So worth it. They give a 35% discount to locals and military. And when you walk out of the spa all relaxed and good smelling and in the best mood of your life...no smoking in the hotel!!! It was wonderful!
I also had a soap box about healthcare reform, but I am too tired and in a good mood to go into it today, but be prepared...its coming.
Now my plug: Hibiscus Salon and Day Spa at the Westin Hotel in Vegas. Absolutely hands down THE BEST. So relaxing, fabulous people. So worth it. They give a 35% discount to locals and military. And when you walk out of the spa all relaxed and good smelling and in the best mood of your life...no smoking in the hotel!!! It was wonderful!
I also had a soap box about healthcare reform, but I am too tired and in a good mood to go into it today, but be prepared...its coming.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Season of Awards
I used to like watching all the award shows on tv. I liked to look at the pretty dresses and imagine I was up there getting an award. I never wanted to be an actress, I wanted to be a writer. I told my Grandmother that one day I would stand up on that stage and accept my Oscar for best screenplay adaptation. Then I would tell Grandma "I told you so" in my speech. But in the spirit of awards, I have my own idea of who should get an award and for what for the past year. So lets start with something easy. In honor of People Magazine's Sexiest Man of the Year (the only time I actually read that stupid magazine), I have made my own list. Sometimes they pick the ugliest people. No offense to Johnny Depp...great actor...really "Sexiest Man of the Year" material. For 2010, I agree with their choice. Ryan Reynolds, good looking, funny, I am sure he's a really nice guy, has a really cute dog, loved him since Two Guys, A Girl, and a Pizza Place, but once again I have my own list. So here goes:
1. Sexiest Man Alive: Henry Cavill. Definately an underrated and underestimated actor. Talented, good looking, British (I love British guys), and I am sure is a great guy. Runner up: Ewan McGregor, family man, world traveller, writer
2. Sexiest Athlete: Apollo Ono. Never really thought I would think he is cute, but watching the winter Olympics and all his interviews his sense of hard work and competetion is inspiring. I don't have a runner up for this topic...feel free to add.
3. Sexiest Foreigner: Jonathan Rhys Meyers who doesn't love an Irish guy that came from pool halls to play Henry the VIII and kick butt with John Travolta? Runner Up: Karl Urban, totally capable of playing an assassin, a rider of Rohan and then a major Star Trek character, he's a kick ass Kiwi
4. Sexiest Black Guy: LL Cool J. Yep, he kicks some serious butt on NCIS LA, I don't like rap though, but the idea of him being an ex-Navy Seal is intriguing. Runner Up: Will Smith, such a family guy!
5. Sexiest Look Alikes: Chris O'Donnell and Sam Worthington, they are like twins
6. Sexiest Musician: Ben Burnley, not particularly a groupie kind of girl, but there is something about Burnley's voice and lyrics that my ears and my brain love.
7. Sexiest Sci-Fi Guy: Chris Pine, well done on Capt Kirk, runner up Hayden Christensen, totally underrated
8. Sexiest Guy Over 50: Mark Harmon...need I say more ladies? Runner up: Bruce Willis
9. Sexiest Nerd: Sean Murray (totally loved this guy in Hocus Pocus), Runner Up: Jim Parsons, so dry and nerdy on Big Bang Theory
10. Sexiest Cop on TV: Micheal Weatherly! I met him at LAX and got a picture with him, so nice and funny! Runner Up: Christopher Meloni (Love SVU)
11. Sexiest Funny Guy on TV: Connan O'Brien, you so have to read his article in the People Magazine issue...hilarious...plus any man who will wear jeggings on national tv for his fans gets a thumbs up in my book. Runner Up: Stephen Colbert...just watch any of the stuff he did during the winter Olympics
12. Sexiest Asian Guy (effort to be well rounded): Jett Lee, totally kicks butt, Runner Up: B D Wong (once again I love SVU)
13. Sexiest Butt- Kicker: Matt Damon...just no matter what he can kick serious butt and look good doing it.
14. ALL MEN IN UNIFORM (military, police, fire) something attractive about a guy who sacrifices his life.
15. Sexiest Bad Guy: Sean Bean...always plays an awesome bad guy.
So there you go ladies...feel free to add to the list! This is just for fun. I don't like it when other people decide what I think is good or attractive...if you want me to be fair I could do the same list with ladies...but that might be weird. Have fun!
1. Sexiest Man Alive: Henry Cavill. Definately an underrated and underestimated actor. Talented, good looking, British (I love British guys), and I am sure is a great guy. Runner up: Ewan McGregor, family man, world traveller, writer
2. Sexiest Athlete: Apollo Ono. Never really thought I would think he is cute, but watching the winter Olympics and all his interviews his sense of hard work and competetion is inspiring. I don't have a runner up for this topic...feel free to add.
3. Sexiest Foreigner: Jonathan Rhys Meyers who doesn't love an Irish guy that came from pool halls to play Henry the VIII and kick butt with John Travolta? Runner Up: Karl Urban, totally capable of playing an assassin, a rider of Rohan and then a major Star Trek character, he's a kick ass Kiwi
4. Sexiest Black Guy: LL Cool J. Yep, he kicks some serious butt on NCIS LA, I don't like rap though, but the idea of him being an ex-Navy Seal is intriguing. Runner Up: Will Smith, such a family guy!
5. Sexiest Look Alikes: Chris O'Donnell and Sam Worthington, they are like twins
6. Sexiest Musician: Ben Burnley, not particularly a groupie kind of girl, but there is something about Burnley's voice and lyrics that my ears and my brain love.
7. Sexiest Sci-Fi Guy: Chris Pine, well done on Capt Kirk, runner up Hayden Christensen, totally underrated
8. Sexiest Guy Over 50: Mark Harmon...need I say more ladies? Runner up: Bruce Willis
9. Sexiest Nerd: Sean Murray (totally loved this guy in Hocus Pocus), Runner Up: Jim Parsons, so dry and nerdy on Big Bang Theory
10. Sexiest Cop on TV: Micheal Weatherly! I met him at LAX and got a picture with him, so nice and funny! Runner Up: Christopher Meloni (Love SVU)
11. Sexiest Funny Guy on TV: Connan O'Brien, you so have to read his article in the People Magazine issue...hilarious...plus any man who will wear jeggings on national tv for his fans gets a thumbs up in my book. Runner Up: Stephen Colbert...just watch any of the stuff he did during the winter Olympics
12. Sexiest Asian Guy (effort to be well rounded): Jett Lee, totally kicks butt, Runner Up: B D Wong (once again I love SVU)
13. Sexiest Butt- Kicker: Matt Damon...just no matter what he can kick serious butt and look good doing it.
14. ALL MEN IN UNIFORM (military, police, fire) something attractive about a guy who sacrifices his life.
15. Sexiest Bad Guy: Sean Bean...always plays an awesome bad guy.
So there you go ladies...feel free to add to the list! This is just for fun. I don't like it when other people decide what I think is good or attractive...if you want me to be fair I could do the same list with ladies...but that might be weird. Have fun!
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