There is this episode of Family Guy where Peter makes fun of people who have myspace and facebook pages they cover with quotes from famous writers and songs, all on the name of expressing themselves. The joke was to make fun of people who use the work of others to express themselves. I thought it was a bit ridiculous for the writers of Family Guy to make fun of people for doing the exact same thing they do week after week. However, it did make me think. People wouldn't create music, literature, and art if they didn't want to share it. Most artists celebrate the fact people connect with their work on a personal level, even if it isn't the meaning they intended for the piece. Ben Burnley of "Breaking Benjamin" never shares the meaning behind the lyrics of his songs. He wants the listener to find their own meaning. Most of us cannot help connecting to work that is not our own and putting a personal meaning to it, like a couple with a song, or a quote that becomes a personal mantra. I have never been one to express how I feel in a poetic manner and most of the time in a logical manner, so I let someone else do it for me. Music has been a way for me to heal. I would like to share a song I particularly like and breakdown my meaning for you.
Heaven bend to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight
Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear
Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...
We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
THe past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
In the wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I've held so dear.
I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...
Heaven bend to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turn their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
One slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed
Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...
[2X]
"Fallen" by Sarah McLachlan
I think my downfall started just before my 25th birthday. My relationship was going through its third, and what would be its last downward cycle. I knew it would be the last time I would fight. If I had been smart I would have ended it then. I didn't. And thus began a behavioral pattern that only Heaven could save me from...I am still waiting. I got caught up in everything superficial. There were so many things about being an O-wife I couldn't stand. I was never a highly social person, nor materialistic, but I didn't want to lose the life I built. The comfort, the security. I tried to remain myself, to be the person I was raised to be, but I was overwhelmingly caught up in the designer handbags, the parties, and the social clubs. So I became something I hated. The cost was: my sanity, my soul, myself respect. Anything that was left of the real me was destroyed two years ago.
When I was in nursing school there was a morning I woke up and looked at myself in the mirror. I always look at myself in the mirror when I brush my teeth, wash my hands, brush my hair...you get the picture, simply because it's right in front of me. For some reason that morning I really looked at myself. I was pale. I am always pale, but this time it was unusual. I had never seen such dark purple circles under my eyes. It honestly looked like someone punched me in the face. My hair was a tangled mess and I was slumped over. I did not recognize myself. And it was then I realized I was no longer myself. Not just in the way I looked but in who I was.
I was lost. I had lived for months in a numb state of nothingness. But at that point what could I do? I was in the middle of nursing school, no job, no money. I couldn't change anything about my situation, but I could change who I was. I had always been the type of person who knew what she wanted in life and I went after it. Somewhere along the way I managed to lose my drive. I was going to have to get it back. At that point I knew the second I got my backbone back, it would be over.
Two years ago I felt like I had nowhere to turn. I tried to call out for help, without directly asking for it. I became the target of gossip and rumor. Nobody directly asked me about the truth. No one reached out to help me. So I poured myself into school. It was during school that I realized I made a mistake by not letting go at 25, and the result was the loss of friends, the loss of the respect of my family, and again my dignity, my self respect, my soul.
I did start with good intentions. Every newly married couple has good intentions. Every couple, when they first marry are violently in love. A therapist would call it the "honeymoon" phase. We all pretend to be something we are not. Usually this lasts for the first year or so and after that the true self comes out. My true self was never acceptable to anyone in the O-community. Most importantly it was never good enough for the person I was sharing my life with. The final action to become the person he wanted, created a past for me I can never undo.
I finally could not bear the weight of my shame any longer. I wasn't going to fight for something so ugly and broken no matter the security, even after the delivered ultimatum. It has been a bitter pill to swallow, losing my home, my financial security, and any hope for a future family. But the worst thing was to face myself in the mirror every morning and know I sold out who I am to please others.
I did get the "I told you so" speech from several people. It wasn't hard to hear, knowing it was the truth and I deserved it. At this point I feel I cannot get any lower, but I am usually wrong about these things.
Now for the meaning of my title: a warning. Always be aware of the people around you. People and relationships are not always what they seem. Before you go judging someone's actions try to understand the meaning behind them first. Never get involved in idle rumor and speculation. And when something doesn't sound right, go to the source. I was asking for help in the wrong manner. What I didn't know was my behavior was perpetuating rumors that had already been started by simple association with people I mistook for friends.
People ask me on a regular basis if I am doing ok. I would have to honestly respond that on the whole my Maslow's needs are met...to my satisfaction that remains to be seen. But really I am suppose to be starting a new chapter, a new path, older, wiser, and better prepared. However, as I sit in the basement of my dad's house, I am 16 again and right back where I started: angry, alone, and with nothing to show for the last eight years. I am certainly older, wiser...that's debatable, and nothing can prepare you for the uncertainty of life. If there is one thing I have learned in the past nine months "the best laid plans of mice and men oft go awry" This has never been more true than in my life.
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