A Fairy Tale

Once upon a time there was a fairy...Queen, who recently lost her King (who incidentally was the court jester in disguise). For years her kingdom was in upheaval. War and sadness plagued her people, and plagued her. So the Queen went to war. She fought valiantly, losing only one battle,  but regained her people's peace and freedom in the end. Unfortunately, her capitol city was destroyed and the Queen took her people went in search of a new castle, in a new land. Pillaging, illness, and famine left the Queen and her people poor and dependent on the kindness of an old Knight and his Lady. The Queen was asked to tithe to the Knight and his Lady while helping maintain their land, in exchange for housing her and her people.

After months of waiting and working the good Queen was finally able to appeal to The Powers That Be, to allow her the chance to be granted a new throne. They sent her a message: "You must prove your worthiness in a trial of knowledge." When the Queen received the message she had a wiseman set the day for the trial and she set off, only telling the Knight's Lady where she was going.

Just a short way away from the Knight's land there was a large dark forest. It was full of dangerous creatures and twisting and winding trails that had no end other than despairr, loneliness, and death. Fortunately, the Queen was confident and knew which trail she needed to take. The Queen strode bravely into the forest. She could feel the trees watching her, judging her, waiting to trip her. She could hear the dangerous creatures follow her, smell her, and leer at her.

A short way into her journey the Queen came upon a dancing frog. He seemed like a nice frog, a quiet frog. She watched the frog dance, and was pulled into his dance. She was mesmerized. He pulled her into his dance. He whirled her and twirled her through the forest, far from the trail. During a break in the dance the Queen regained her senses enough to know she was far from where she should be, and while she was not focused on her steps the frog twirled her and the Queen slipped. She fell hard and injured her leg. The frog left her crying for help in the wood.

The Queen nursed her injured leg, still crying. She could hear the dangerous creatures circle around her. She looked up from her tear stained skirt to see another tiny frog that shone like a diamond. The sight of him made her face illuminate with a smile and she laughed. The little diamond frog motioned for her to follow. She got up and followed slowly. She had wandered far from the trail. While she walked and followed the diamond frog entertained her. He took care to find her food and shelter. He protected her. When the Queen reached the trail she was saddened that she had nothing to give the frog for his kindness. He told her he only required a kiss. The Queen smiled and picked him up and kissed him. He was sweet, but when the Queen set him back down he was still the tiny diamond frog. They sighed and promised to be friends forever. The Queen continued on.

For days she travelled through the woods until she came upon a rushing river. The Queen folded her arms and began to think of ways to get across the river. She could not swim it with her skirts on, she would drown. She would not subject herself to the indecency of removing her clothing to swim. So she walked the bank until she came upon three camouflaged frogs. They offered to help her across the river in exchange for a kiss each. The first frog, a young skinny thing, lead her to a stone path she hopped along to get a third of the way across. She kissed him shook her head and turned to the second frog. He was bigger and had a wicked gleam in his eye. The Queen knew he was up to no good. He quickly, without waiting, showed her how to cross a slippery log that rolled. The Queen slipped and scrambled. She scrapped her hands and knees and almost fell in. Dirty and hurt she reached the end of the log, kissed the slimy creature and resisted throwing him into the river. She turned to the third frog who looked at her curiously. He grabbed the hem of her dirty gown and lead her to a rickety bridge above a high gorge. The Queen swallowed hard and picked up the frog and stepped out on to the bridge. It shook and swayed. The little frog whispered encouraging words to her. When they reached the end both were soaked with a spray of water. The Queen laughed and kissed the brave little frog. He smiled at her and they each went on their way.

The Queen wondered on for sometime alone. On night she came upon a cabin in the woods. It was beautiful. In the yard was a woodsman splitting logs. She asked if she might have a room for the night in exchange for help with some chores. The woodsman laughed. He told her there was no need for her service, she was welcome to stay with him, his wife, her two sisters, and their son. He brought the Queen into the house and the three women flew to take care of her. They fussed over her. They were honored she had come to their house. They had heard of her struggles in the War. They respected her bravery and welcomed her into their circle. The Queen asked who they were. They were the Healers. People came from far and wide to be healed by their knowledge and magic. The Queen was tired and needed rest they said, so she stayed with them for several days. She looked after the baby and learned their healing ways. Soon the Queen knew she needed to move on. The sisters cried the day the Queen left. The Queen promised they had become her sisters too and that they would see each other again. Before she left, the youngest two brought a challenge to her. She was to promise to find a new King for her kingdom. The Queen cried. She could not do it. The forest ahead was dark and full of peril they reminded her. "You need a Knight!" The Queen insisted she was brave enough to face the danger. "You need a guide!" The Queen insisted she knew where she was going. "You at least need a servant"    The Queen insisted she could take care of herself. The sisters knew they would get no where with the Queen, so they gave her a magical stone. They told her the stone was the missing half of her mate's. The Queen looked skeptically at the piece of stone. The Queen asked how was she supposed to use the piece of stone to find its match. "Go Fishing!!" They said. They tied the stone to the Queen's belt loop and let it dangle at the edge of her skirt. They told her to leave it as she walked and see what she caught. The Queen smiled, hugged her sisters, shrugged her shoulders, shook her head, and headed down the trail.

It wasn't long before the Queen felt a tug on her belt loop. When she looked down, she saw a leggy frog had swallowed the stone. The Queen caught her breath and laughed. "Poor thing!" She cried. She lifted the leggy frog and removed the stone from his mouth. He made a disgruntled face which made the Queen laugh even more and she kissed him. The frog sighed a happy sigh and went limp in her hand. She scratched his belly and set him down on the stone. She liked him. She looked for a stone on him but he had none. He gave her a frustrated sigh and jumped off into the woods. The Queen looked on curiously after him wondering why he left. The Queen turned back to the trail and carried on perplexed.

For days the stone around her hem was a constant source of distraction for her. Several times she had to shake hideous frogs of the string or the stone. She on occasion took it upon herself to go fishing and cast her stone at some brightly colored frogs with no luck. As she was peaking the top of a mountain where she could see her path to The Powers That Be, she sat on a boulder to look at the trail she had walked, the kingdom she had lost, and the trail she must continue on. It was then that she noticed a rough looking frog sitting next to her. He was a curious thing. He had faded camouflage coloring, a rough face with dimples. He smile at her and she smiled back. She wondered if she should try to cast her stone had him. He spoke. "No need! I will walk with you!" The Queen was taken aback! The frog had sparked an insatiable sense of curiosity in her. He told her he was walking toward the same place she was, but because he was a frog he was moving at a slower pace for fear of injury. The Queen motioned for him to lead on. As they walked they talked. The hours passed easily and lightly. The Queen kept her eye on the frog. He leaped steadily next to her not once tempted to leap for her stone. She asked him why he was so willing to walk with her and not at all try for her stone. He said his stone was precious and had been broken. He wasn't going to jump for any stone until he had thoroughly examed it and its owner. He had been reckless with his in the past and was not willing to show it until he had settled the score with The Powers That Be. The Queen nodded. She understood his reasoning and saw his logic. He was a wise frog. But the Queen had known what it was like to let opportunity pass her by and now that she knew what she wanted she was determined to get it. She understood settling with The Powers That Be, but she also understood chance. She wondered if it was worth it...

TO BE CONTINUED.

What This Woman Wants

I think at the age of 28 I am finally able to articulate what I want in a mate. I am no longer blinded by the unrealities of love and relationships. When I was younger I always imagined being apart of some epic romantic love story. What girl didn't?  For a time I always hoped my marriage would turn into this story of struggle finding hope and peace. I now realize that was unrealistic of me and only caused me great disappointment. I am no longer naive enough to believe I will have the epic romance of Elizabeth Bennett and Fitzwilliam Darcy, but I am going to do my best to come close to it.

In the past few months a lot of my family and friends have felt the need to weigh in on what they think I need and deserve (thank you to you all) in a future mate. I have been told multiple times I need to find a man that worships the ground I walk on and treats me like a queen. I have been told I need someone I respect and who can keep me in line. Someone strong and emotionally sensitive. While all these things are great, they are all akin to a double edge sword. I have found most men are too much or not enough in these departments. I am not willing to compromise. I did that once.

I met a guy who worshiped the ground I walked on, who treated me like a queen. He was also emotionally sensitive, While these things were a nice change of pace, they quickly lost their charms and that made it easy for me to see that all I was going to end up doing was compromising on what I want again.

I don't want a man that worships me or puts me on a throne. I want one that has eyes for no one else when I am in the room. When we are out to dinner, without effort, he ignores the waitress who is flirting with him. When he tells me I am beautiful, he means it.

I am not against a man being emotionally sensitive, but there is a limit. When a man cries more than me or is easily offended I cannot see him for anything more than a friend. A man who denies how he feels or is incapable of expressing his emotions in an appropriate manner tells me something about his level of maturity and his lack of ability to communicate appropriately.

I firmly believe communication is key to a relationship, most importantly to a developing relationship. I have a hard time talking to men I am interested in dating. I can talk to anyone, but when I am interested I struggle. Most of the time I come off as overly aggressive and a chatter box because I am trying to keep the conversation going. I do not want to come off as being boring, but it looks like I am a crazy person instead. I want a man who can and will innate conversation, who takes interest in what I have to say and wants to know what I think. Along with that I want a guy who is ok sitting in silence and looking at the stars.

Someone I respect and who is honest should go without saying. A person learns pretty quickly if I do not respect them. I like firm men, however within reason. A guy who thinks I need to be protected and taken care of annoys me. I personally find it insulting if any man feels that way about me. I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself. Here's where it gets complicated. I, of course, want a man who is going to protect me and take care of me. It sounds like a contradiction, but I want the relationship to be one of understanding. I want to be able to say "you're the one I respect enough to allow you to protect me." I know it sounds condescending, but in reality it is a sign of trust. I trust you enough to allow myself to be vulnerable in front of you without worrying what you think.

That is the last key. I don't want someone who runs away or gets frustrated when I have a few bad days or I don't feel well. Someone who can handle the once a month emotional roller coaster by handing me some chocolate and giving me a hug. Someone who can accept me for who I am and not want to change me, just help and encourage me to improve. And someone who can handle my family.

The rest is semantics and negotiable. I know it's a lot to ask of a person, but I am slowly starting to believe what people are telling me: I have a lot to offer.

Superficial Lists

So lately I have had a bit of writers block. When I was a little girl I use to write all the time. In fact I got an award in elementary school for creative writing. I have done it all my life. When I have writers block I like to make lists. A while ago I bought this journal to help me through writer's block called Listography. So to help me unblock, I chose a few of the more mild lists to share and maybe it will help.

Favorite films:
1. The BBC version of Pride and Prejudice
2. Braveheart
3. Lord of the Rings
4. Star Wars
5. The Philadelphia Story
6. The Sound of Music

Things most people probably don't know about me:
1. I am actually really shy
2. When I am nervous I talk A LOT
3. I secretely love romantic stories
4. I am a rock star in my car
5. I don't like pie...fruit pies of any kind

Favorite books:
1. Pride and Prejudice
2. Hamlet
3. Chronicles of Narnia
4. The Mists of Avalon
5. The Christmas Box
6. Lord of the Rings
7. Through the Looking Glass

Past Lovers:
HA! Like I was going to tell you all that one!

Favorite Bands:
1. Three Doors Down
2. Breaking Benjamin
3. Three Days Grace
4. Chevelle
5. Evans Blue
6. The Goo Goo Dolls

Biggest Pet Peeves:
1. Irresponsible parents
2. kids who's hair hangs in their face
3. people who dress up their pets on a regular basis
4. hypocrits (i.e. most of Hollywood and Washington)
5. people who don't honor their commitments
6. men who wear tank tops, post half naked pictures of themselves on websites, guys who can't wear a baseball cap correctly
7. people who mimick what they see on tv

Favorite Songs:
1. The Diary of Jane
2. Let Me Go
3. Citizen Soldier
4. Fallen
5. Name
6. Satellite

Favorite Movie Stars:
1. Henry Cavill
2. Reese Whitherspoon
3. Colin Firth
4. Helena Bonham Carter

Places I would like to visit:
1. Great Britian
2. Ireland
3. Germany
4. Australia
5. China

"She woke in the morning...She called out a warning.."

There is this episode of Family Guy where Peter makes fun of people who have myspace and facebook pages they cover with quotes from famous writers and songs, all on the name of expressing themselves. The joke was to make fun of people who use the work of others to express themselves. I thought it was a bit ridiculous for the writers of Family Guy to make fun of people for doing the exact same thing they do week after week. However, it did make me think. People wouldn't create music, literature, and art if they didn't want to share it. Most artists celebrate the fact people connect with their work on a personal level, even if it isn't the meaning they intended for the piece. Ben Burnley of "Breaking Benjamin" never shares the meaning behind the lyrics of his songs. He wants the listener to find their own meaning. Most of us cannot help connecting to work that is not our own and putting a personal meaning to it, like a couple with a song, or a quote that becomes a personal mantra. I have never been one to express how I feel in a poetic manner and most of the time in a logical manner, so I let someone else do it for me. Music has been a way for me to heal. I would like to share a song I particularly like and breakdown my meaning for you.


Heaven bend to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight

Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
THe past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
In the wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I've held so dear.

I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

Heaven bend to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turn their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
One slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...
[2X]



"Fallen" by Sarah McLachlan


I think my downfall started just before my 25th birthday. My relationship was going through its third, and what would be its last downward cycle. I knew it would be the last time I would fight. If I had been smart I would have ended it then. I didn't. And thus began a behavioral pattern that only Heaven could save me from...I am still waiting. I got caught up in everything superficial. There were so many things about being an O-wife I couldn't stand. I was never a highly social person, nor materialistic, but I didn't want to lose the life I built. The comfort, the security. I tried to remain myself, to be the person I was raised to be, but I was overwhelmingly caught up in the designer handbags, the parties, and the social clubs. So I became something I hated. The cost was: my sanity, my soul, myself respect. Anything that was left of the real me was destroyed two years ago.


When I was in nursing school there was a morning I woke up and looked at myself in the mirror. I always look at myself in the mirror when I brush my teeth, wash my hands, brush my hair...you get the picture, simply because it's right in front of me. For some reason that morning I really looked at myself. I was pale. I am always pale, but this time it was unusual. I had never seen such dark purple circles under my eyes. It honestly looked like someone punched me in the face. My hair was a tangled mess and I was slumped over. I did not recognize myself. And it was then I realized I was no longer myself. Not just in the way I looked but in who I was.


I was lost. I had lived for months in a numb state of nothingness. But at that point what could I do? I was in the middle of nursing school, no job, no money. I couldn't change anything about my situation, but I could change who I was. I had always been the type of person who knew what she wanted in life and I went after it. Somewhere along the way I managed to lose my drive. I was going to have to get it back. At that point I knew the second I got my backbone back, it would be over.


Two years ago I felt like I had nowhere to turn. I tried to call out for help, without directly asking for it. I became the target of gossip and rumor. Nobody directly asked me about the truth. No one reached out to help me. So I poured myself into school. It was during school that I realized I made a mistake by not letting go at 25, and the result was the loss of friends, the loss of the respect of my family, and again my dignity, my self respect, my soul. 


I did start with good intentions. Every newly married couple has good intentions. Every couple, when they first marry are violently in love. A therapist would call it the "honeymoon" phase. We all pretend to be something we are not. Usually this lasts for the first year or so and after that the true self comes out. My true self was never acceptable to anyone in the O-community. Most importantly it was never good enough for the person I was sharing my life with. The final action to become the person he wanted, created a past for me I can never undo. 


I finally could not bear the weight of my shame any longer. I wasn't going to fight for something so ugly and broken no matter the security, even after the delivered ultimatum. It has been a bitter pill to swallow, losing my home, my financial security, and any hope for a future family. But the worst thing was to face myself in the mirror every morning and know I sold out who I am to please others. 


I did get the "I told you so" speech from several people. It wasn't hard to hear, knowing it was the truth and I deserved it. At this point I feel I cannot get any lower, but I am usually wrong about these things.


Now for the meaning of my title: a warning. Always be aware of the people around you. People and relationships are not always what they seem. Before you go judging someone's actions try to understand the meaning behind them first. Never get involved in idle rumor and speculation. And when something doesn't sound right, go to the source. I was asking for help in the wrong manner. What I didn't know was my behavior was perpetuating rumors that had already been started by simple association with people I mistook for friends. 


People ask me on a regular basis if I am doing ok. I would have to honestly respond that on the whole my Maslow's needs are met...to my satisfaction that remains to be seen. But really I am suppose to be starting a new chapter, a new path, older, wiser, and better prepared. However, as I sit in the basement of my dad's house, I am 16 again and right back where I started: angry, alone, and with nothing to show for the last eight years. I am certainly older, wiser...that's debatable, and nothing can prepare you for the uncertainty of life. If there is one thing I have learned in the past nine months "the best laid plans of mice and men oft go awry" This has never been more true than in my life.