Letters I Never Meant to Send: Control of the Flame

Since I hopefully wont be a student for much longer I have officially decided to change the angle of my blog. Of course I will keep you all informed of what is going on in preceptor, but its time to start a new chapter in my life.

I feel it time for me to write some ugly truths. First with some confessions. The name of my blog comes from one of my favorite songs "Name" by the Goo Goo Dolls. Its also steams from the fact that I do write letters that I have no intention of sharing or sending to the person they are written for. I have been doing this for years. I find it very cathartic considering I am never quick enough with my tongue to get the deserving person the verbal bashing they deserve until well after the fact and it helps me unload emotions, thoughts, and feelings I wish I had the courage to say. I suppose of I am going to go along with this new chapter in life I might as well start sharing them with all of you and see how it goes. My friend Tom pointed out Psalms 51 to me which reads  "The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; A broken and contrite heart..." Psalms 51:17. So I figured before I would take the advice of Evans Blue from their song "Over": "...burn all your bridges while you still have control of the flame..." So this broken spirit and broken hear are going to light some fires and not look back. Its going to start with something I wrote years ago. I have been trying to write a book for years...clearly not going well. I at least got some short stories published (Thank you Megan). Here is the introduction to my book:

There is no such thing as romance. There are no love songs, there are no love stories. What there is, is lies. She kept telling herself that. Every story ends the same. Boy meets girl. One of them loves the other or they love each other. There is something keeping them from being together. However, it all works out in the end, but if it doesn't they are all dead so it doesn't matter anyway. There is no such thing as that "fluttering" feeling in the stomach that is suppose to be love. If the feeling persists, go see the doctor because its gas bubbles or nerves, or there is a slight GI problem.

The is however burning animal lust. Not out of attractiveness or being connected to someone, its the call of nature. The body is at the right temperature and the right mixer of hormones is circulating to cause the "burning desire" sensation, which ultimately causes teenagers and adults alike to come together in a union unsuitable for the eyes of children. What is so pleasurable about raw human or,in some cases, animal nature? Sex is functional. If it is allowed to become pleasurable it shows lack of self control over the body. Some say its a matter of the heart. The heart is an ugly organ that serves to circulate blood throughout the body. The heart does not have feelings. Now if the heart breaks, as in stops working properly, there is physical pain. While on the topic of hearts "breaking" or detachment from a mate it cannot scientifically cause physical pain. 


The pain said persons feel is all mental. Once again its mind over body. Although there are those who cause their mental pain to manifest into physical pain. You can actually die of a broken heart, not because you've had an myocardial infarction, but because you have simply lost the will to live. Some think this is beautiful. How is willing yourself to die for any reason beautiful? There are those feel that they are in so much pain they have to inflict it upon themselves by cutting into their flesh or participating in other physically destructive behavior. Frankly this method shows lack of maturity and self control. Who would want to mate with that person anyway? 


Another way the heart is said to break, is by the death of a loved one. It is only human to be sad when a person passes, yet there is no reason for the heart to break. Death is a natural part of life. When it's time to go it's time to go, no matter how it is done.


Last there is suppose to be a war between the heart and the brain. Seeing how their is no evidence of the emotional heart that can proverbially break, it's really a battle between the logical brain and the emotional brain. Emotions, those of romantic love, are weak and therefore must be cast aside by logic which dictates that there is no such thing as romantic love. 


I know the question will be asked: do I still believe this? While I have succumbed to some of the folly's I pointed out, yes I do. My brother wrote a little piece about love a few weeks ago which defined his idea of love, what it means to love, and how a person should love. It left me with one comment: the only perfect love anyone can ever expect in this life is that of Christ's. He posted with that note a link to a youtube video which happened to be the music video for a song called "What Love Really Means" by JJ Heller. She poses the question "who will love me for me?" My answer: aside from God, no one. We are human and we are never satisfied with what we have and what we are given. I love asking people, men in particular these days, what it is they are looking for in a mate. They all have the same answer, just stated in various different ways. But in the end what they really end up wanting is your best friend, someone they are disgusted by but are with because they are drunk, or Romanian strippers.    

This weekend has solidified my complete disgust for the opposite sex. I officially give up. I will write down the lyrics to "Hear Me Now" by Jimmy Eat World, "Champagne High" by Sister Hazel, and "Are You Going to Kiss Me or Not" by Thompson Square, burn them, and be done with the three biggest hypocritical idiots on the planet. 

The Summer School Chronicles: passed the class

I just wanted to let you all know, that through it all....I PASSED. That horrid b**** gave me full points on my final. She at least owed me that. I am now in preceptor so stay tuned for crazy stories. Again please remember all stories will not be traceable to the hospital/ facility I am working at nor to my patients...who I claim to be a male maybe a female...:)

I just wanted to take a few minutes to thank a few people. The past few months of my life have been tumultuous to say the least. I want to thank people in sections.

To my family: thank you for being so understanding, supportive, defensive, and knocking my ego on my ass...as if I hadn't had enough of that already. I love you all. I miss my brother and I am not looking forward to living with Dad again. But I am grateful for what Matthew does and grateful Dad and Sharon have opened their house to my obnoxious dogs and to me...its going to be fun until I can buy a place to live :) I am sorry for the negligence to my siblings and my mom. It will change when I get back on my feet.

To my ex-in-laws: Andre and Nancy, thank you for being so kind to me through this whole process. I will truly miss being apart of your family. Thank you to Mike and Belinda, you have always been welcoming to me in your home and have always had great advice. I hope your next daughter in law (whom ever she may be) appreciates you as much as I have. Debbie....I love you like my own aunt. You are inspirational, supportive, and so positive. Thank you thank you thank you for being friends with me, I enjoy every minute of it! To the Vandenberghs...ALL of you! I love you all! All the babies and your positive attitudes! I have enjoyed every moment I have spent with you all! I pray we all remain good friends! Plus Eva is the cutest baby ever.

To my nursing school friends: In all honesty I have no freaking clue what I would do without all of you. Leslie (my fifth sister), Laura, Melissa, Sasha, Irene M, Ashley, Tracy...you are the loves of my life. Tracy thank you so much for letting me stay...Albert is my kitty lover. :) You are such a sweet person. When I first met you I honestly thought you were no older than 25. I love you and your family. Chris is a hunk...haha...just kidding. Will, thanks for keeping me grounded. Your words are hard to hear sometimes, but I know I need them. Stacey...you too baby!!!!

Cat and Jonathan: Thank you for listening and opening your home to me. One day your girls will like me. I don't think Sophie likes me.  Cat I am there when you need me, just some how your timing for a ride has been off and I feel guilty, but I will try to be more available! :)

To Alissa, Chris Carr, and Chris York: You three are my oldest friends. You all have been there through my really awkward phases in life. You have never failed to listen to me and keep me in check (Alissa!). Chris Y your unfailing kindness and advice to me has been a comfort. I love you buddy with all my heart. Chris C...what can I say...you look smashing in a spandex onesie and always you give me a conversational challenge!

To Megan: You are the one AF wife that has never judged me. You are so beautiful, kind, and loving. I am so grateful you gave me to opportunity to fulfill one of my dreams. I miss you. Thank you Megan... thank you.

To Dan, Maggie, Matt, Sarah, Matt, and Cori: You all are still my family. Mags...no matter what...we are always connected!!!!!! You were the best roomie EVER!!!!!! I miss you and your hubby terribly! Matt and Sarah...thank you for your support. You two have beautiful children. I value your friendship more than you know. Matt and Cori...your marriage is something I aspire to in my next marriage (God willing I marry again). Your boys are beautiful. I pray one day I have something as beautiful as you two have. :)

To Brianna and Seth: Bri...you are my sixth sister. And whether you acknowledge or not I am baby Zach's God Mother....in my head :) You have been a constant inspiration for me through nursing school. Seth, you set the standard for men every where. I hope I find someone like you. I will kill you if you hurt my Bri! :)

To Ashley, Eric, and Martin: You guys are why I want to be apart of the military! I love hanging out with you all!! You make me laugh and I ALWAYS have a blast around you all. You are the perfect thing to lift the spirit! PS thanks Vasquez for listening.

To James: Thank you. Just Thank you. I love you.

Book Review

As promised here is the newest book review, on not the newest books.

Gulliver's Travels by Jonathan Swift: Boring. Swift talks entirely way too much about bodily fluids. I am a nursing student and bodily fluids are a part of my life, why would I want to read about them? While I know the book is suppose to be a political satire on the politics of Swift's day, it was unamusing, although I was able to make comparison's to today's politics. All-in-all I am happy I finish the book because I  almost didn't.

Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen: One of the first books in a long time that kept me wanting to pick it up and read it. The story is vivid and the characters are real. She should continue to write about the secrete lives of carnies. I read the foreword part of the book and she did an incredible job on her research. She took a very interesting look at a life style that not many of us know about and I found it fascinating. The movie, while I love Reese Witherspoon, was just ok. The book was, hands down, better.

Stardust by Neil Gaiman: Whimsical and fun. It was a quick easy read. I did like the movie better. The love story was easier to follow in the movie. The adventures seemed more real and came to life a lot better in the movie than the way they were written.

The Other Boleyn Girl by Phillipa Gregory: Everyone knows how much I love British history, especially when it has to do with court intrigue. This was a good book. It was definitely a page turner. Entertaining and gave a completely different perspective to the women surrounding Henry VIII.

Rule Number Two by Lieutenant Commander Heidi Kraft: I am not sure whether my dad is trying to convince me to not go into the Army or to go into the Army. This book did nothing but convince me that the military needs someone like me.  Unmarried, no kids, and typically unfazed by humanity everything it can dish out. Lt Cmdr Kraft writes about her deployment to the Iraqi desert in 2006 and the patients she saw and took care of during her time there. She talks about the struggles she personally went through while there. One of her patients received the Medal of Honor post mortus. It was truly an amazing book. Her experience brought me to tears and truly inspired the patriot in me.