I look at myself in the mirror everyday simply to make sure I brush my hair properly and brush my teeth and to make sure I get all the face lotion rubbed in. But lately I haven't really taken a look at myself. Two weeks ago I got my hair darkened because I needed a change, but I didn't realize that the change was greatly needed. Everyone likes the change, I think it distracts them from the fact that I no longer look like myself. At least I think I no longer look like myself. At clinicals Indy pointed this out to me. She was telling me that ever since school started she looks at herself in the mirror and does not recognize the person staring back at her. That night I went home and looked at myself in the mirror. Pale skin, blotchy with freckles and retreating stress acne. The greatest change was the great dark purple and black circles under my eyes. My lips have lost most of their color, so has the rest of my skin...I haven't gained any weight, but I haven't lost any (not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing), but I could tell it was no longer me. I have also noticed that I am more prone to crying. The smallest things can make me cry. Last night I was at a birthday party and several of the silliest things just made me want to cry for no good reason. I was so tired, I had to leave early, which is not like me at all. What is nursing school doing to me?
Day 27: Lecture, Lecture, Lecture....Lecture....lecture...................(screaming)
Day 28: Lecture in the morning...really boring. I might as well skip class and just read the freaking chapter! However I won't do that cause I am a good student. I have a four hour break in between Prof Mom's class and Prof Makay's class, so I decided to go to open lab. If I haven't already said what we are doing right now let me explain. Nevada State College is the only nursing program in the Las Vegas area that is allowed to let their first semester students pass medications in clinicals. So in labs we have been given six fake patients with long lists of medications and reasons for being in the hospital and past histories and we draw vitals and lab values for each patient. We are (for the first "pass off") to sort through their oral medications and figure out which ones we give and why and what ones we don't and why and what we do in each situation and what we are suppose to teach the patient and what we are suppose to watch for. Once you get the system down its pretty simple and takes about ten minutes to go through the whole thing with an instructor (when you know what you are doing). However, because of, once again, their failure to follow the seven P's, not everyone is going to be able to "pass off" in the amount of time they have given us. We have to present one patient at a time and wait for everyone else to go (which takes forever), before you can present your next one even if you are ready to present them all. So I spend four hours in lab on Wednesday an only passed off on two patients! By the time I was done with my second patient I was already late to Prof Makay's class so I just said "fuck it" and went and worked out. Right now that is my only way of relieving stress. If I don't go for a few days I get twitchy and grumpy.
Day 29: Ah clinicals! Last week at two six hour shifts. Indy and I both had very interesting patients. Her patient was more talkative and had a really sweet husband (they were an older couple), my patient was in the same room and only wanted to sleep. My patient's diagnosis was interesting and she exhibited classic signs of her disease. I have to admit I was fascinated...almost like she was my personal guinea pig, which in a way all of my patients through nursing school are. Its disturbing how fascinated I was with my patient. However we did spend most of our time with Indy's patient. Surprisingly the day went very quickly! We didn't even have time to sit down and do our paperwork. We changed linens and helped both patients bathe. We watched the nurse give medications, it was a crazy day. I felt satisfied at the end of the day that I actually did something effective with my time.
Day 30: My patient remained the same!! This time I took control of the situation and performed a health assessment on her and found some of the most interesting things!! She has COPD (chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, its mostly a combination of emphysema and bronchitis typically caused by smoking) she was exhibiting classic signs. Shallow inhale, deep exhale, crackles in the lower lobes and a strange thumping noise in her lower lobes, she had a wheeze in the tracheal area...it was so COOL to actually hear these things on a patient instead of being simulated. Indy's patient had pneumonia and so her lung sounds where abnormal too! She had rales...it is so fascinating to hear these things, I know people are thinking I am sick for thinking someone's misfortune is fascinating, but I have to learn somehow. Its actually satisfying to be able to recognize on a patient all the things you learn in class, things that are beaten into your head. Its like discovering a great new shopping hole or bistro. I feel a sense of accomplishment, like I am actually learning something.
Day 30 1/2: I just want to say I spent the majority of my Saturday in lab trying to finish off my final medications. I was finally able to get to the "final pass off" the seventh patient that would decide if I was ready to pass medications in the hospital or not. We are given a new patient and twenty minutes to prep our notes and pull their drugs. I worked quickly. My adrenaline was going 100 miles an hour, I hadn't eaten anything all day so I was shaking a bit. I managed to get everything together right as the bell dinged. I had to wait for Prof Mom to finish with the girl that was head of me. She had the same patient I did, but I didn't hear how she went through the medications. I just looked up to see her crying and Prof Mom, lecturing her. My stomach dropped. Crap, crap, crap.....I wish Prof Plant was the one passing me off. Prof Mom is one scary, anal lady. I can handle her...she seriously is like my mother with my dad's army mentality. I started to breathe a little faster. It was my turn. I went through my medications and rationalized everything...she stared at me with a blank face the whole time...no leads...I just kept talking until I had nothing left to say. I went through every scenario I could think of. In the end I passed by the skin of my teeth. Eventhough my reasons for giving a medication and not giving one were sound, they weren't the reasons she was looking for, but she still passed me. I greatfully grabbed my green slip that said I could pass medications, returned my pulled meds, and quietly left the room. I don't remember walking back to the lab where everyone else was. I was shaking and pale and on the verge of tears. I passed, but just barely...and it scared the shit out of me.
So this week the new Breaking Benjamin cd came out and I bought it after saying up late one night to listen to an interview with the lead singer and a premiere of the cd. It has been a saving grace this week. I can always rock out to BB and relieve stress. Ben Burnley is a lyric genius. So my nursing school survival kit now includes: retail therapy, hazelnut lattes, book club, and Breaking Benjamin.
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