#tiredmommy @henrycavill @mingna_wen @ginajcarano
So I tagged people...EEEKKKKK. If I am not suppose to do that...Oh God I am sorry.
Progress Not Perfection
Progress not perfection is a
statement I have been thinking about a lot lately. Apparently you can have OCD with
post-partum depression and anxiety. It’s an awesome addition to something that
is already a massive struggle for me. (The fact I am talking about this is
embarrassing, but I figure if I talk about it, it might clear up some of the snow
in my head.) The OCD is driving the need for perfection. When I don’t achieve
it, it just makes the depression and anxiety worse. In some cases the struggle
for perfection is like trying to climb up an ever growing and ever changing
mound of soft sand. You sink in and climb and climb and you’re never able to
get anywhere. Sometimes I can’t see the top and sometimes I can, but I never seem
to be able to reach it. It’s mentally exhausting, and surprisingly physically
exhausting.
**speaking of OCD, as I was writing this I transferred to
the triage desk. I had to straighten and organize it before I felt comfortable
working** {as I am typing, I am keeping one eye on my husband as he organizes
the toys to make sure he does it the right way…the way I have set out in my brain}
In case
you are wondering, yes, I also see a therapist. I haven’t seen her in a while
because I keep forgetting about my appointments (BRAIN FOG) and I have not had time
to see her because I keep having to reschedule the appointments I miss with
other people and I freaking out about asking my husband to miss work to watch
the kids so I can go do my stuff. The point here is, I think she would say I
need to re-evaluate my priorities and what is important to me. I need to accept
chaos will now always be apart of my life because I have kids, so having a mess
is to be expected. I need to look at where I came from and where I am now and
see the progress and not focus on the fact I do not have perfection. Like in Big
Bang Theory *spoiler alert*, when Amy points out to Sheldon, it’s the
imperfections that can make something perfect. This triggers Sheldon to think
of super asymmetry with Amy and they both win the Nobel Prize. Of course I don’t
expect to ever win a Nobel. It’s not even on my radar of desires. An Oscar, for
some reason, still is. But for some reason my brain can’t wrap around this. It’s
like closure. What the hell is closure? How the hell do you “let go” of things?
I can sing the Frozen song all day long, but that doesn’t mean I get it. Things
certainly fade with time, but do you ever truly “let go”?
I am
sure some of you, or maybe none of you are wondering what this all has to do
with my running. Well, I didn’t get a bib for the Fairy Tale Challenge. Let me
tell you what happened.
On registration
day I went for a run in my Dad’s neighborhood. We were visiting Colorado and
the plan for that day was to take the kids to the zoo. After my run I checked
the website to see if registration was open. I didn’t check to see if there a
was a time for opening or if I did, I don’t remember (BRAIN FOG). If I did I got
distracted getting everything ready for the zoo. But it was honestly something
I didn’t think about. When I registered for the half marathon in 2019 I registered
a day or two after all the registrations opened and there was no rush to get
bibs and I don’t think anything “sold out” for weeks after opening. I didn’t
think it would be like a Comic Con situation where you have to lightening quick
the nano second the tickets open with your mouse clicking, then pray to the Good
Lord, once you’re in the “waiting room” you get selected quick. Then pray again
you don’t have any technology glitches that delay you completing all the
required fields that keep you from clicking “pay now” before everything is sold
out. San Diego Comic Con is an intense blood thirsty competition, like the
Hunger Games, nobody really knows how people get tickets if they aren’t
connected. Anyway, I did not think that registering for the Fairy Tale
Challenge, which takes place at the end of February, in the middle of the school
year, would be a challenge to the death. By the time I had second to register
and remind those running with me to do so as well, the 5k, the 10k, and the
Fairy Tale Challenge were all sold out! All that was left was the half marathon
and the virtual races.
That’s
not entirely true. So I went to register for the Fairy Tale Challenge. The 5k
was sold out and I can’t remember if the 10k was or not. Anyway, I was thrown
into a “waiting room” for almost 20 minutes. Then all the fields I was supposed
to fill out weren’t working. Like I couldn’t select a shirt size! I couldn’t
pay without a shirt size! To save time I registered myself and my husband.
Then, the system wouldn’t take my debt card for some reason. So I used my
credit card. By the time I FINALLY got to where I could click “pay”, it sold
out! My credit card and debt card were both charged (later refunded) and I was
sent a registration email that linked to nowhere. I was devastated. I am still
devastated. Some how my husband, my best friend, and myself managed to snag
half marathon bibs, but that didn’t keep me from crying. Dream, goal, bucket
list item…shattered, smashed, and torn apart.
This is
how it was all suppose to go: I register for the Fairy Tale Challenge, my friends
join me for some of the races, I cry crossing the finish line feeling exhausted
but accomplished, then we all go celebrate my 40th birthday at Epcot
eating and drinking around the world. What ended up happening was: none of my friends
(except two) really liked the idea of running a race (really exercise in
general), no matter how I sold it. Flying to Florida for a girls weekend at Disney
World is expensive and most everyone has small children, some of whom will be
in school. So I got two ladies who said they would go run with me. So I asked
family to join. I got a taker from my dad and my brother said he would do one
of the virtual races. Of course my husband wanted to run too, so now the kids
are coming. Since my husband and dad are coming my step-mom is coming to watch
the kids while we race and my best friend’s husband is coming because my
husband is coming (and frankly that man is going to need a vacation).
I should
know by now, in my life, when I plan something I would really like, God, most
of the time, laughs hysterically at me. So no ladies weekend and girls run, no
Fairy Tale Challenge, not even a 10k for dad. I did talk to Disney technical
support, but all I got was a big “oh well, we’re sorry” and the only real way
of knowing if anything re-opens is Twitter (I am too old for Twitter) or checking other social media
several times a day for re-posts.
In the
grand scheme of things this is just a minor thing. I still get to run the half
marathon with my husband and my best friend. My parents, my children, and my best
friend’s husband will be there at the finish line to hug us and cheer for us. I
will still get to eat and drink around the world at Epcot for my 40th
birthday with people I love. And maybe, just maybe, runDisney will open up
slots and will all get into the Fairy Tale Challenge and my dad will get into
the 10k.
What
does all this have to do with the thought of “progress not perfection”?
Perfection would have been the perfectly planned ladies’ weekend. Challenge and
all. I would be a lean mean running machine making it five miles without waling
by now. I would be wearing all kinds of Disney themed running gear, writing
challenges in my blog to Henry Cavill, Ming Na Wen, and Gina Carano (who I was
sad to hear did NOT have Cold Smoke while she was in Montana) and secure in my knowledge I would blast through the 5k, 10k, and hopefully the half marathon. By that time the
massive flab of fat I carry in my front (let me tell you, it honestly weighs me
down and doesn’t feel like it’s part of my body. It’s absolutely disgusting. I can’t
stand to look at myself in the mirror), would be melted away, and I can come
home from Disney feeling fabulous and accomplished and ready to do a fabulous photo
shoot with my photographer and write this beautiful blog about being 40 and the
lessons I learned from my 30’s and what I am looking forward too.
Instead for
the last two weeks, well basically since we got home from Colorado, I have
allowed my disappointment to fuel my depression and anxiety and I have neglected
my training and let life get in the way or be an excuse. So I saw my doctor and
we are working on it. Progress. I am back running. I can still make it at least
two miles without walking. Progress (at least from the last time I ran a half
marathon). Getting back on track. I guess that’s progress. Not letting a minor
setback defeat me. Personal progress.
Things
that still need work: my belly, I could use an overall tone up, if anyone wants
to volunteer to help let me know. We will set-up times. My OCD, hopefully
this medication change up my doctor is recommending will help with that, and
the depression and anxiety. My eating habits, I was tracking in MyFitnessPal,
but I get so busy and the kids and husband are great excuses for eating poorly
and shouldn’t be.
Progress not perfection, even if I have to do baby steps and have a babysitter. I don’t know who would do that, I am taking volunteers. Progress not perfection.
And holy crap I tagged people...this is not my most elegant piece of work, nor the most inspiring... and I cannot find the photo of my son running with me, which I had planned on inserting.
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