On Being 40

 

On Being 40

I had planned to write for 40 days before I turned 40 about the things I was grateful for, the lessons I have learned and the things that have had an impact on me during my 30’s, I usually don’t talk a lot about my 20’s, my 20’s are a chapter I don’t share. I sat and tried to list 40 things to write about, but sadly I was only able to come up with 24. If I listed things out one by one I might come up with 40. I am more disappointed that I just didn’t have the time or the energy to write all that I was going to write. I have time now. Perhaps not enough to write everything I want on the 24 subjects I came up with but enough time to write a little.

Well…I started rambling and decided to not write about the list just yet so I am redacting the paragraph I have hand written and continue with the next…

I feel like I am rambling because I honestly don’t know what to say on this occasion. This morning as I was getting ready for work I put on my Disney Enchanted jewelry inspired by Mulan, I thought about the song “Reflection,” not the one Christina Aguilera sings, but the one from the movie, where Mulan walks through her family garden to pray to her ancestors. That is what my 30’s have been about. Being able to look in the mirror and having was is reflected back the true picture of who I am and no be afraid of what the world sees when they look at me. One of the hardest truths to accept is sometimes that reflection is dark and ugly (what I would consider a hard Eucharisto…from I book I may discuss at a later time), but acknowledging the ugliness helps you change and grow.

When I looked in the mirror at 30, I realized I had gone so far from who I was, that there was a period of time where I could have gone missing for at least two weeks and not a single person that mattered to me in life would have known. The thought at the time didn’t bother me, but the fact that it didn't bother me, did.

I spent my early 30’s learning how to communicate differently, to accept somethings and some people as they are, I am not perfect. I have worked on letting go, which is not easy and sometimes not achievable yet for me. I relearned how to make friends. I regained my faith, though I never lost it, I am just not afraid to express it anymore. I am not afraid to express much of anything anymore. Still working on tact. I have little patience for it.

When I looked in the mirror this morning I saw my hair sticking out everywhere, my post-partum antenna, dark circles, fine wrinkles, the overstretched belly…then I heard my three year old scream at the top of his lungs (I swear the neighbors heard him) he wanted to stay in his jammies. My husband was trying to get him dressed for daycare, although I don’t think the daycare would have minded or been surprised if he showed up in his Spider-man pjs. I looked back at the mirror and realized: I am ok with being 40 because everything I went through in my 20’s and then in my 30’s got me that screaming bundle of joy and the little ray of sunshine I was about to go wake up. So bring on the 40’s! I cannot wait to see what this decade has in store. 

For more life stories on my 30’s please see the blogs to come in the series titled: My Life at 40, what my 30’s taught me and more. Stay tuned!