So usually I would write something like this out in a journal before committing it to a public forum, but I felt like I just needed to get this out there before I got too tired or gave up on the idea completely. I started this blog in nursing school as a way to keep family and friends collectively informed about what was going on in school so I didn’t have to repeat myself a million times. Then it turned to a way for me to process my divorce through short story writing and book reviews. I don’t think I will give up on either one of those on here, but they might be few and far between. I guess I would say I am restarting my blog as a way to deal with my postpartum anxiety and depression.

For those not in the know I had my second child four months ago. She’s beautiful. It was a struggle pregnancy in many ways and now I am dealing with the hormonal aftermath in the best way I know how: therapy, exercise, diet, and medication. Not that I am good at anyone of those things. Although I do take my medication like I am supposed to and keep my therapy appointments. The exercise and diet are where I do need the help. I have a plan, I just need help.

Again another thing some may not know, in few days I will be entering my last year in my 30’s. I am not struggling with that, my 30’s have been great. I am ready to move on to the next decade. I certainly don’t feel my age mentally, although I have horrible mommy brain. I don’t feel like I need to complete anything before 40, except one thing: The Fairy Tale Challenge.

Let me explain. I started running half marathons in my 20’s. By “running half marathons” I mean I forced myself in an effort to maintain a size 6 for someone who didn’t love me for who I was, to do a cardiovascular workout I hated. I also make it sound like I have ran dozens of half marathons, when in fact in my 20’s I ran three. I agreed to my first one because a friend talked me into it. My motivation through it was my brother’s first deployment. If he could survive desert heat in full combat gear, I could freaking run 13.1 miles. And I did. I don’t know what kept me going for the other two, but I stopped trying once I started nursing school.

After graduation I tried several times to pick up the habit of running several times, even though I hate it. Honestly it is the only thing that helps me lose weight, and more recently I have found it is a really big factor in keeping the postpartum in check. Over three years ago I “bit the bullet” and decided to sign up for an item on my bucket list: the Disney Princess Half Marathon. The race takes place in Disneyworld, running through Magic Kingdom and parts of Epcot. It always looked like so much fun. At the time I signed up I was going through fertility treatments and I was, what I consider for myself, way over weight.

I tried hard to train for that race. Every single step was a struggle. I could never find a rhythm. I could never get past my wall. I could not get out there regularly. It was just a frustrating struggle. I felt alone. I felt like a failure. I physically hurt and I was mentally exhausted. I still did it though. It was one of the most fun things I have ever done! The costumes, the characters, fireworks, music, running through Sleeping Beauty’s castle! It was an experience I will never forget. But it wasn’t enough for me. I was disappointed in myself. So, I set a goal: before I turned 40, I would run the Fairy Tale Challenge, even if I had to walk the whole way.

I am almost a year away from 40. I have had two children since running the Princess Half. My body has changed, my brain has changed (as evidenced by my inability to finish a sentence most days), and my motivations have changed. It is taking a lot for me to say I am doing this for myself because I rarely do things purely for myself (I’ll explain later). I want to feel a sense of accomplishment. I want my children to be proud of me, even though they will be three years old and 16 months old. I don’t want to be that person that sits there at the end of my life and wishes I could go back and do something. I want to do this because I know I can. It would be nice to have some help though.