Lots of people know how much I love (eye roll) my cousin Whitney. Well the child has issues and the last I saw her was at my dad's 50th birthday party (at which time my sister was NOT dating Dean). Well last week I received a phone call from my father asking me if I had told my Aunt Dee that the reason my sister did not want her and her children at the wedding was because Becca caught Whitney flirting with Dean. As far as I know Whitney has never met Dean and the last I knew the child was galavanting in TX with my crazy Aunt Mitzi. So I told him "no" I did not tell my Aunt Dee that, but he didn't even give me a chance to explain what I did say before he ripped into me about not sharing my siblings business with the rest of the family. That what they tell me is between me and them and I am not to share it unless they say so. Well the conversation spiraled out of control (mostly because I was already in a pissy mood with my husband and I was PMSing) and I was in no mood for a lecture from my father in which I had no chance to defend myself or even had ANY clue as to why in the hell he would call me out of the blue and ask me these questions (not the first time he had done that though). In short the conversation has come down to these simple points:
1. My father thinks I am an idiot (his words), I have no right to feel hurt, angry, or upset about ANYTHING. He does not care about what I have to say and has no wish to communicate with me or listen to how I feel about anything. He does not think its his job as a parent.
2. Anything he has said to me as a child, teenager, or adult no matter how mean ("you're fat") was for my benefit to get me motivated and I can over come the damage just by shear good thoughts alone. I should not need to use a counselor or drugs...infact I shouldn't have any problems at all!
3. I am a bad sister to my siblings because I treat them like children and am always trying to change them and apparently I spill their secrets everywhere.
4. Eventhough I am the only person in my immediate family that has a college degree (working on my second BS), have more volunteer hours than God, own two homes (working on a third), in good health, and more physically fit than my siblings and experienced more of the country and the world than they have (well...my brother has been to war, so maybe not him), my dad still believes I have accomplished nothing in my life and in comparason to him at my age I am way behind where he was at in life (one kid, another on the way, no college, but climbed the Alps and served in the Army).
What parent says these things to their child!!! I can understand tough love when your child is an addict or going nowhere in life, but I am neither of those things. All in all I think I am doing damn well thank you and all I want to hear from my father is "Good job, I am proud of you" and all I get is crap. I tried to talk to my dad about how I feel about these things and all I got was insulted and talked down to in return. He didn't even give me a chance to explain the real situation with my aunt and express to him how it should have been my sister that confronted her not him and not me.
So inorder to feel vindicated and give myself the chance to explain what happened here's the deal:
When my dad and Sharon got married my aunt Dee and her daughter Audrey (NOT Whitney) came to the wedding and the reception. Becca and Dean were dating at the time. At the reception. My Great Grandmother made the comment that she felt Audrey was acting inappropriately towards Dean and her concerns were backed by my sister's complaints about Audrey's behavior. While I thought both of them were being silly I told them, that if Dean was worth his weight, he would ignore Audrey (not that I thought she was flirting). Afterwards there were other altercations between my Aunt and my sister and my cousins and my sister. As far as I knew Whitney had never met Dean, but I did know Becca and Whitney had a falling out. About what...I have no idea. I do know Whitney is a bit of a trouble maker, I know from experience and I know her mother has said the same thing. So I can understand why my sister would not want her at the wedding. However, a few months ago my sister expressed the desire to not invite my aunt and her children at all. So when the invitations were sent out, questions were raised as to why some members of the family had not received their invites yet, it became increasingly hard to cover for my sister, plus I thought it was rather childish of my sister not to come out and confront the people she had a problem with. So under the pressure and no longer having the patience or the ability to deal with the conflict, I confronted my sister and told either she needs to confess or she needs to just deal with the drama and invite them. She told me she didn't want to deal with it so I had her premission to tell the truth. So I told my aunt how my sister felt.
My sister ended up inviting her anyway with the caveat that Whitney was not invited (which was told to my aunt via my father). And thus started the argument in which I was some how dragged into...without being told what happened.
Personally I find this to be the major issue with my family: lack of communication. In the past people who were not immediately involved in a family issue were told "its none of your business" but once your name is mentioned, I feel you are involved, especially if you are going to ask them random questions out of the blue that pertain to the the issue and the proceed to lecture them. The response of "its in the past, it doesn't concern you, its over and done with, its a dead issue," is not an appropriate nor an acceptable response if you are going to chew someone's ass. In order to solve an issue (skills I have yet to refine, but have learned in school and through counseling and life in general), communication has to go both ways. The person with the problem needs to open up about the problem to the appropriate person (that person should listen) and in turn the person with the problem should listen to the others response allowing them to explain themselves or to clear a matter up. Information should not be withheld and all questions pertainate to the conversation should be answered in a respectful mannor. So the conversation with my father SHOULD have gone like this:
Dad: "Did you tell your Aunt Dee your sister caught Whitney flirting with Dean."
Me: "No. As far as I know Dean and Whitney have never met. Why do you ask?"
Dad: "Your sister and Dean have asked that Whitney not come to the wedding, and your aunt had a problem with that."
Me: "Well I can understand why Becca and Dean would not want her at the wedding. However, I did tell aunt Dee that Becca orginally did not want their family at the wedding because she felt they start drama and Audrey was acting inappropriately to Dean or so Becca felt."
Dad: "You should not have told your sister's business to your aunt. You know her and your grandmother twist everything around and cause problems."
Me: "Yes Dad I know that, but first, I had the premission of my sister to tell them because she lacked the courage and maturity to do it herself. And two, if you know this is what grandma and my aunts do then why do you lend any creedance to what they say? You are only validating their gossip and causing angst between you and me and me and my sister."
Dad: "I was just checking my facts."
Me: "Fine, but why were you the one to call aunt Dee and not my sister? This is her wedding and she is an adult she should be able to handle this sort of thing on her own by now."
Dad: "<
Me: "Fine."
Dad: "I just want to make sure that you and your siblings are good to eachother and not cause problems for one another by sharing eachothers secrets."
Me: "Ok Dad, I know that and I don't."
End of conversation. Instead, a huge issue blew up and now I no longer want to go home. I can't understand why communication (appropriate and honest communication) is so difficult for my family. It has managed to save my marriage and change the dynamic of the relationship between myself and my siblings. While I still have a hard time expressing my feelings in a rational manner, it is not illogical nor inappropriate to have them and to tell me otherwise is offensive and ignorant. Part of being a productive and functional member of a family is learning to be accepting, understanding, and having the ability to weather a storm. All my life my father preached "be loving, kind, and understanding..." Well practice what you preach Father, otherwise you are just a gigantic hypocrite.
Now I did not write this to embarass my family or be rude. I did it for myself, it get it off my chest. I don't know if anyone will read this or what they will think if they do, personally I don't care. Clearly I am not able to talk to my father and while my hsband does his best to listen, constructive feed back is not his thing. His family seems to function well enough. So this was mostly for my own relief rather than "calling out" my family.
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